Joining the Green Party
Bird left in 1992, Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett came aboard in 2007—but all that stuff in the middle went by in a blur. A guide to getting back on the Celtics bandwagon, without looking like you ever stopped paying attention.
1. What To Say
One-liners that sound informed.
[sidebar]“What, was he out with Vin Baker last night?”
When a player looks like he’s dragging a bit during a game, suggest he’s been hanging with the team’s infamously boozy former big man.
“Easy, Tommy. At least they didn’t call a hard foul.”
After a friend blows up about a questionable call against the C’s, calm him down by invoking legendary Celtics TV analyst (and lovable homer) Tommy Heinsohn, whose eruption over a 2002 “hard foul” is the stuff of lore.
“I’m still worried about the D, but it should be better without Wally.”
A reference, obviously, to recently jettisoned small forward Wally Szczerbiak, who’s easier to cross over than the Mexican border (though truly, the whole team’s defense has been pretty shaky of late).
“Come on, that’s worse than picking Acie Earl.”
Compare any future boneheaded front-office decisions to the Celtics’ disastrous 1993 first-round pick, who moved like he literally carried the weight of the team on his back.
“All the negativity in this town sucks!”
If anyone casts doubts on your now beloved team, just channel former coach Rick Pitino, who, after an ugly loss in 2000, used this line to rip into angry Boston fans.
2. What To Know
A lot’s changed since 1992.
Hot Postgame Bar
Then: The Four’s
Now: The Greatest Bar
Then: Bob Ryan, Boston Globe
Now: Bill Simmons, ESPN.com
Length of Shorts
Then: Boston Garden’s soul and history
Now: TD Banknorth Garden’s modern air conditioning
Average Ticket Price
Price of Arena Beer
Price of Arena Hot Dog
Price of Celtics Hat
Then: Not over Red’s dead body
Now: Over Red’s dead body