Topical Trick-or-Treating

Firefighter

Materials: Firefighter’s hat, muscle shirt

Strategy: Approach house, procure candy, and skip off. Return an hour later with a doctor’s note claiming you fell down the front steps of said house, hurt your back, and are now "totally and permanently disabled." Tell the nice lady she’ll have to give you enough candy to replace what you would have earned working the rest of the neighborhood, which, by your count, has 93,000 houses.

State Representative

Materials: Fake beard, dark suit, Styrofoam model of Lowell city bench glued to seat of pants

Strategy: Approach house. When the nice lady comes out, sit down on your pants-bench and ask her to join you. When she does, grab her and say, "Oh baby, you are so beautiful; your body is so perfect," in a tiny, creepy voice. When she objects, begin crying and howl, "I can’t believe this is happening! You were flirting with me! I was flirting with you!" Note: It may be best to procure candy before sitting down.

Police Officer

Materials: Police uniform, reflective orange traffic-detail sash

Strategy: Position self idly at one house for the whole night and demand 40 percent more candy than anyone else. When questioned, insist it’s a matter of public safety, adding that if the nice lady wants her entire family to be irreparably maimed or gruesomely killed by a speeding truck, "that’s fine, but don’t say I didn’t warn you."

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