Single By Choice

By Janelle Nanos | Boston Magazine |

Stern lives alone and has never been married, but at 52, she’s created a network of friends, colleagues, and family that she says is as emotionally rewarding as any partnership could be. She has a job in a school and loves working with children. She owns a home in West Roxbury and has a summer place in Maine. She shares patterns and talks politics on Ravelry, the online community for rabid knitting fans. And she’s eagerly anticipating the “Sheep Ahoy” knitting cruise to Nova Scotia that she and her friends have booked for July. (Yarn shops make up the bulk of the onshore excursions.) But she chafes at the notion that her single status, passion for knitting, and, yes, ownership of a wheel make her a modern-day spinster. “I’m a spinner,” she says defiantly.

Given the stigma of the word, you can understand Stern’s reaction. But where do such stigmas come from in the first place? In her book Marriage, a History, historian Stephanie Coontz traces how the institution of marriage has transformed from a ritual primarily concerned with consolidating land and prosperity among families to one centered on couples celebrating their love. In part, the shift was economic — the rise of wage-based labor allowed men and women to gain independence from their parents. And it was coupled with Enlightenment-era sentiments that championed individual rights and the pursuit of happiness. For the first time, men and women began to choose marriage for love rather than wealth or status.

Naturally, what it means to be single shifted over that time period, as well. The word “spinster,” for example, first appeared in the 17th century, when, according to Coontz, as many as 20 percent of women in northwestern Europe were unmarried. In 19th-century New England, it was an honorable term because spinsters earned money for themselves by spinning wool — these women, in fact, were celebrated for their unwillingness to compromise their moral standards for the sake of a relationship. But as marriage became increasingly idealized, “spinster” took on negative connotations, eventually becoming shorthand for any woman who remained unmarried throughout her life.

By the 1950s, traditional marriage was seen as the “only culturally acceptable route to adulthood and independence,” Coontz writes. In fact, in a survey taken in 1957, 80 percent of Americans responded that people who preferred to remain single were “sick,” “neurotic,” or “immoral.”

THE ANTI-SINGLE sentiment began to soften, however, during the countercultural movements in the decades that followed. By 1978, only one-quarter of Americans still felt it was morally wrong to choose to live without a partner. But just because we believe there’s nothing morally wrong with it doesn’t mean we’d actually wish it on a loved one. So we try to “fix up” our single friends. As we see them growing older, we emphasize the “settle” in the idea of settling down. And we just know that being alone means being lonely.

We mean well, of course, but NYU sociologist Eric Klinenberg says we’re actually being unfair and oppressive. Klinenberg’s forthcoming book, Going Solo, examines the “extraordinary rise and surprising appeal of living alone,” and destroys a number of myths along the way.

While researching the book, Klinenberg was shocked to discover the sheer number of people in America currently by themselves. He was also surprised to learn that they’re far more connected than the stereotypes might suggest. A dozen years ago, public policy professor Robert Putnam of Harvard’s Kennedy School fretted in his bestselling book Bowling Alone about the loss of “social capital” in public life. But Klinenberg says that today, single people have social capital in spades. “They’re not bowling alone,” he says. “They’re doing things together. One of the crucial points here is that people who are living alone are generally not alone. They’re quite social and well connected.”

  • Joey

    (1) Very little material here from avowed single people who also have children;

    (2) Making your point with a beautiful woman like Trespicio on the cover is easy; try finding a flabby 66-year-old diabetic who fits the bill and putting him on the cover;

    (3) Easy to be single when you’re well-educated. Find someone who’s a high school dropout to preach the glories of singleness.

    • Rena


      And what’s wrong with putting a girl like that on the cover ? So a 66 yr old diabetic can’t be married either ?

      I know I high school drop out with a son who made it through single simply cause she didn’t want to’s a harder life but some make it work.

  • Sean

    loved the article, but the last sentence, “I’m just sorry that people who are married don’t have that freedom” is confusing. it implies stereotyping married people in the same way that the rest of the article wishes single people wouldn’t be stereotyped. it’s also borderline degrading, which i think is a mis-edit of some sort, and perhaps landed on the “last word” position by accident. just sounds really out of place given the rest of the article – i think it’d be better without it. imho.

  • Ind

    Ms. Trespicio may crow about the delights of singlehood, but I think she is simply in denial. I have known her for years, and I believe that her single state is due primarily to the fact that despite her undeniable, beauty, brains, and charm, it quickly became clear to me ( and I suspect many other men ) that she is a also a rather mercenary opportunist. Sometimes a cigar really is just a cigar.

  • Jesus

    I’ve known Anonymous for years, and I think he’s in denial of his insecurity in the face of someone who has no use for him. Sometimes an ego is just an ego.

  • Stephanie

    I was confused and turned off by the lack of interviews of single men. There was no explanation as to why Boston Magazine only interviewed single women, even though the statistics presented showed a similarly significant percentage of single men.

  • Rachel

    I’ve noticed quite a number of pro-single articles in various publications (the most visible was in the Atlantic a few months ago) recently, and it makes me a little uncomfortable.
    I’m recently married. My husband and I are very happy, though probably not any more so than when we were just living together. We got married because it felt like the right thing for us. I am very, very independent, and I didn’t choose marriage because it was what I was supposed to do, but because it was what made sense.
    Now, this spate of pro-single articles makes me feel a little like these cool, awesome progressive singles might look down on someone like me, who chose to get married.
    Just like the singles don’t want to feel like us marrieds look down on them, I don’t want to feel like I’m automatically perceived as being less progressive, independent, or even subsumed by the patriarchy.
    I applaud any efforts to make people feel good about the life choices they make, but let’s try to frame it as different strokes for different folks.

    • Denise

      Rachel I applaud your comments. It isn’t supposed to be a single is better or marriage is better. It is supposed to be aknowledging that either is perfectly healthy choices. I am single and I use to have issues with being single. But then I realized that I truly was happier when I was going it alone. But it took me realizing that although my friends were so happy being married that when I tried to envision myself switching places with them I just didn’t see myself being happy. It was a personality thing – not a status thing.

      I also have children and I agree single parents should be included. I’m technically divorced but I have been single nearly three times as long as I was actually married so I think I should be able to drop that status (don’t you?) And I date – but it isn’t because I secretly want to be married – it is because I like to go out and enjoy companionship. And if I someday find someone that I want to marry – I may just do that – but I’m not seeking it out. I just believe that if you can be happy being single then you have to also be open to being happy being married. The main thing is be happy with the choices you make for yourself.

  • Lauren

    Interesting and well written article, however I do find that last line, “I’m just sorry that people who are married don’t have that freedom,” jarring. Who’s to say they don’t?

    The article also seems to assume that all married people do/will have children and all single people don’t/won’t, which is just as bad as assuming all people do/will get married.

  • Brett

    The author wrote a nice piece but I think that it still shows only a good side to the single world.

    My brother-in-law is still single at 44 and almost got married once. He bailed out at the last minute and has gone back to his womanizing ways. He is hopping from bed to bed and has absolutely no problem finding someone to warm his sheets. He could literally find a different woman every night if he wanted and could keep up.

  • Pat

    After two long (10 and 14 years) and failed marriages, I woke up and realized I’m just not, well, the marryin’ kind. At first, I was horrified and thought that something was terribly wrong with me, but as I got a better view inside my married friends’ marriages, I realized that marriage is not all it’s cracked up to be. I just thought it was I who couldn’t keep it together. Many keep it together even though they are sad, angry, and depleted. That’s not a way to live. Yeah, it’s problematic sometimes, being single, but I could not go back to the feeling of being “owned” ever again. Ever. Never.

  • Ron

    There is happy and unhappy in all walks of life and all statuses. I personally was single until I married (at an age older than average) and love being married and really never liked being single.

    I know many singles (who have never tried the marriage part like I have) who nevertheless find themselves happy in their status.

    I know many marrieds (or formerly marrieds) who were quite distressed in marriage. I know many singles who would rather be married.

    As for the government sponsored benefits to married – look more carefully. There was a time that being married and earning two incomes resulted in what was referred to as the “marriage penalty.” I know at least one couple (stil together) that became legally divorced in order to avoid that penalty. Also there are other tax benefits that I cannot reap, if it distresses you, become active in trying to change the sytem.

    That’s the end of my analysis.

    Cheers, all.

  • Kathleen

    About this:
    “increased public support for gay marriage and a growing acceptance of domestic partnerships has helped to redefine what it means to be a couple — and a family — in this country.”
    I would disagree. The definitions of family and couple (in the sense of romantic partners) have never changed. They are what they are. It is people who are using the words incorrectly and out-of-context. They should find their own vocabulary to describe their non-family and non-couple situations.

  • Kelley

    Loved this article. I am so tired of everyone thinking that if you’re single, then there is something wrong with you.
    But as the article points out, while single people may be perfectly content with their choice, we are discriminated against in many ways. We pay higher taxes. We pay twice as much to take a cruise or go on a tour. In restaurants, we are often seated at undesirable tables or receive subpar service because it’s assumed we won’t tip well. Even Amtrak joined the travel fray by eliminating a class of sleeper called the “Economy Slumbercoach” which was priced and sized perfectly for a solo traveler. And I know many single who try to buy a new car, often to be asked if their “spouse” would be joining them.
    Businesses pay heed. We are a huge, untapped market.

  • Mado

    Lest not forget, there is a one word term for Single woman which is Spinster !

  • Gail

    It is understandable. If i would be a married woman living with a husband whom i am not happy with, I would be unhappy, But if i would be alone but surrounded with people who love me and i love them, who are close to me and by my side each time i need them, of course i am healthier.

  • Casey

    I work at a major institution in the Boston area. I have both raised children in my family and am now caring for elderly relatives. None of this matters to my employers because (1) I’m not married; (2) I didn’t willfully create the people I’m caring for.

    Ironically, the only time you get cut slack by HR and your colleagues is when you consciously choose to bring other human beings into the world and then decide it’s someone else’s problem to take care of them. I’m so sick of people assuming that because I’m single, I have a completely flexible schedule, I have have extra time to organize bridal and baby showers, I always have extra cash to put into an envelope of donations for someone in the division, etc.

    I’m made more sacrifices in life (including puttting siblings through school at my expense and nursing relatives into their graves and paying for their funerals)than most people. But because I’m single, I’m considered the “selfish” and “care-free” staff member.

    The only way this will change is for single people to demand their rights. Colleagues who have created families don’t deserve to have their health care or anything else subsidized by singles…

  • Juan

    I have been married for 10 years and am in my early 30′s. All the single people that we know in there 30′s and early 40′s go through various phases of loving the single life and hating it. Most are very confused and insecure…If this trend continues get ready for an increase in senior citizen suicide…Being single for life is a gift of grace that most people don’t have…

  • Nancy

    Ummmm…this looks very familiar..check out the article by Kate Bolick in The Atlantic that was published recently:
    I mean, it a free world, but the article, picture, the whole thing is a bit..well..I guess “imitation is the best compliment”. This is a HUGE compliment.

  • Dawn

    Tara’s brother in law sounds like a real neanderthal!

  • Zuzu

    This article borders on fluff. Citing several studies to support its almost completely one-sided arguments, this article tries to appear researched and “sciencey”, but it totally lacks investigation into the many layers of life situations and psychological underpinnings (and consequences) that have those 100 million Americans being single today. And it completely avoids the issue of sex, and sex and diseases. There is for example a current-day upsurge in STDs, from the clap to HIV, in urban, suburban, and rural settings. How’s them apples, singletons? I’m not moralizing, just pointing out that all is not well in single-land.

    And I agree with another reader that the article focuses far too much on single women, and has a huge gap about single men. The single life seems to favor single men, for so many obvious reasons I am exhausted just thinking about them — from financial considerations to the ability to be scot-free jumping from one bed to the next w/o judgment or consequence. Not to mention that men and women tend to “attach” completely differently emotionally when sex gets involved. Again, not moralizing, just pointing out a deep issue completely ignored by this article.

    People are…

  • Lana

    I say thumbs down to this article which poses as hip zeitgeist. A loving and supportive partnership takes hard work, dedication, compromise, and is ultimately incredibly rewarding. People relying on each other and supporting each other in binaries shouldn’t be undervalued — just as supportive social networks of friends and relatives are also to be highly valued. Sadly, many singles are narcissistic (raised in the “me” generation) and play their hurtful games in a society that largely frees them from the stigma of being single. Many singles are in denial of their deepest fears and emptinesses and find no reason to work on those; they then visit their pain on others in unending cycles of unkindnesses and deceptions, making a whole generation of cheaters and the cheated, thus perpetuating the pain and the fear. And an entire generation of men has been in training, with the singleness phenom, to be consummate smooth-talkers and charmers, a cheesy trick I hoped had gone out with the 70s, but is now revived by the “single is hip” narrative.

  • L

    I have to agree with the poster who said this is fluff. It reads like a piece in which the reporter was assigned a story about how being single was great and used almost exclusively material that support this idea.
    I’m one of those singletons in my 30s and in my experience, there are pros and cons to being single and being in partnership. Sure, you might give up some freedom in a partnership, but I can’t help but wonder if what you gain is worth it.

  • Lydia

    This struck me as interesting: singles v. marrieds, us v. them…sound familiar? Isolating an individual or a group of individuals or labelling them based upon a trait that is different than one you posess is wrong.

  • Cameron

    Both marrieds AND singles should be respected, and your comments were nothing more than an ignorant, bigoted screed painting singles with a broad brush. If I had caved into such attitudes and become coupled, I wouldn’t have achieved my own professional and artistic triumphs that have been so fulfilling to me.

  • Katie

    I just wanted to thank Boston and Janelle Nanos for this article. Nanos covered all the base – the prejudices and stereotypes we face, as well as the ‘greedy’ couples mentality that permeates our culture. I agree that it would have been nice to have more male voices, and that singles should be careful not to be judgmental towards couples (though I agree with that final quote and am glad they used it). And gladder still that they put an attractive woman on the cover – it demonstrates better than anything that we are not all homely ‘cat ladies’

  • Rich

    I hate to say so but I see a s**t sandwich or two in Ms. Trespicio’s future. When you play the braggadocio and hold forth on the perfection that is your life in a glossy magazine, higher powers tend to lay the smackdown on your smug little self.

  • anonymous
  • Whit

    I think perhaps there is a reason that this article neglected to mention single people with kids because if you have kids, you aren’t technically single. You still have lives to worry about, you have to schedule your own life around those little people. I realize it is not the same as having a partner in marriage, but just my opinion on why they left it out.

  • Paul

    As other commentators have mentioned, lots of fluff here.

    Nevertheless, there is one aspect that no permanently single (never married, non-reproductive) person could comprehend, and therefore their opinions have little validity towards. And that is the aspect of producing and “raising” ones own children to adulthood. As a now aged father, who first started to make children long after (according to my wife) my “shelf life expiration date” had past, I now understand fully all the fears, frustrations, and joys that fatherhood entails. Whether being the mother or the father, it is an “experience” that can only be achieved by doing it, not by “theorizing” about it (either for or against).

    And, I am not disparaging anyone who consciously does not want to experience it. But I do disparage those who do decide, long after their “shelf life expiration date” has past, that they do want to experience parenthood, in the usual biological manner. I should not be expected to pay taxes for the rest of my life to sustain their “choice” because it is incapable of sustaining itself in adulthood, let alone childhood!

  • sue

    I’m 38, single, and choose to be single. I was a community health aid worker for a number years. I traveled into war torn areas, and helped the citizens recover. I wouldn’t trade one minute of that experience for marriage or children. Its what I wanted to do with my life. As a consequence, it lead to singleness. The older I become I realize, actually like it and gives me freedom. I think some people do single very well, and others may do marriage very well. I think a lot of people should remain single because unfortunately people choose marriage out of insecurity and doubt. Lots of my friends literally married the first person that asked them. They didn’t marry for love, really didn’t ‘like’ the person, but doubted their future. Wondering if anyone else would ask, they didn’t want to end up alone, don’t know what they wanted for their future, dependent upon others, etc….No wonder we have such a high divorce rate. Know people that have remained single because they know they would be horrible at marriage or selfish. Many different reasons people make decisions to remain single or to marry. Both are good and right…

  • TC

    First i would like to say that I enjoyed the article, it was well written, and definately hit home for me. For the record I am single and in my early 30s. At this point it is by choice. Many of my friends are married, some happily, some not so happliy. As are my single friends, some happy – some not. So my point to all this is that I don’t think being single or being married really defines you. I think if you are a confident, secure individual – enjoying life, what difference does it make what your status is. People are so quick to judge. My philosophy is to just enjoy life…and I’m gonna do it with or without someone…

  • g.t.rao

    6 billion people in the world & I’m still single.

  • Russell

    your 73 ..who really gives a hoot whether your single or not…

  • Boop

    Loling my ass off at all the married people and people with children commenting here. They are the one in denial here and want to put their insecurities on a singles post please you idiots aren’t fooling anyone. Go back to the kitchen , doing your spouse’s laundry where you belong.

  • Lisa Young

    I think that this article brought up a good point that people usually assume that because you’re single you’re lonely, when in fact a lot of single people are really social and connected.

    I would like to point out that also just because you’re married doesn’t mean that you’re not lonely. I know a lot of people who are married but lonely because they didn’t marry the right person for them, or they married for the wrong reasons (social expectations, someone who worshipped them so that they could feel superior all the time, etc.)

    I can see the appeal of the single life, having so much space and freedom and no one to hold you back from doing anything you want to do. However, I also believe in the “You reap what you sow” philosphy, that while having a partner and kids may be draining sometimes and require a lot more energy than the single life, it will also come back to reward you in the future when you need someone to take care of you or cheer you up when you’re down. With the yangs come the yins, and with the single life you get to yangs, but you don’t get any of the yins either.

    My personal philosophy is to invest your prime years wisely to build your career and live the life that you want (because you can never live your life for someone else until you’ve lived the life for you. Constantly be looking for opportunities to check things off your to do list, and enjoy your freedom without any detachments), and explore the field to get a feel of what type of partner fits the best for you (like trying on shoes in a shoe store). Maintain your independence and self-sufficiency but be open to romantic prospects at the same time, because not all partners are energy draining, my ideal partner would be energy boosting, and I would do the same for him. When I think of partnership I don’t think of handholding and extra weight and drama, I think of support and fun companionship and warm, cozy intimacy.

    If you know what you want and set high standards for your partners, having them around shouldn’t hold you back from anything that you want to do. I have been supportive of all my previous romances’ dreams, and my current one as well. And I never let any interfere with mine, even when I was married to my monsterspouse dream crushing ex-husband.

    Partnership can be just as fun and liberating and exciting as being single, as long as you take the time to find the right person for you

    • Lisa Young

      *with the single life you DON’T get the yangs

  • Lisa Young

    I found Trespicio’s last comment to be pretty obnoxious too. It’s one thing to be secure and independent and financially stable on your own (and I respect that about her), but it’s another thing to look down on married couples and hint that your way of life is better than theirs (like the whole “WHY ASIAN MOMS ARE SUPERIOR” shit. I hate that crap, it’s so repulsive and annoying and a true disgrace to the people who really are living that way and would like to share their ideas in a non obnoxious manner)


  • Priscilla Winslow

    It’s a brave new world.

  • Mark J.

    While all of the people that are not single may scoff at this article with pain to me. I choose to be happy and single because being single and happy is my only option. I will likely die a military vet and retire a second time, never finding love but you know what. Even though love is all I ever wished for in life, I’m probably not going to get it. So you know what FTW, let’s be single, there is a reason there are so many wall flowers out there. Every time I tell someone I might like them more than for sex they get scared and run away so stick to your walls and leave me alone because I’m coming through, like me or not.

  • Stasi King

    Great stuff! I’ve known my whole life that I’m happier being single…but people often translate that into me “being lonely”, “selfish” or “hating married couples”. Nothing could be further from the truth, and I’m glad that the author took the time to point this out.

    • Guest

      It is definitely peaceful to stay single

  • Bunny Ramsey

    By far the best read I’ve come across detailing the subject so perfectly. unfortunately in my case I wish they would consider that some people get involved in terrible encounters. I fell in love with two people who were “more happier” in their “other (predominant) relationship” the first I knee nothing about until late and the other led me on like it would be ok. However I spent my whole soon to be 26years planing to be someone’s wife and kids in tote. But I attract the worst kinds of men! those that are interested in marriage already has kids. Those not interested in marriage say I’m not good enough and never will be. Then the unhappily coupled off men just want a different cookie for cravings, but love their chocolate chip at home. Sad thing is, I came from loving parents who were married 21yrs before I was born and remained married for 42yrs before my Dad died. I wanted that too but because its so hard, I’ve lost interest. I’m tired of being good enough for lousy sex but never good enough for respect. I’ve never had a boyfriend, never been on a first date. But this last year I tried hard to follow tradition. I got tired of my friends ignoring me or leaving me out to the point I’ve become friendless literally. So F it. I’m almost 26, and decided to be single. My mom doesn’t approve and wishes for me to be married off because it’d just me and her but how can you expect me to do that when mens standards are off the charts and higher than the heavens above?? Apparently me being married with kids wasn’t meant to be. I’m happy I found out. Now I can make driving an ice cream truck my life long goal lol.

  • Mary Lane

    The media seems to thing all singletons are selfish people who only care about themselves (I mean over 30 singletons, under 30 not relevant to my/media argument). I say marrieds can often be AT LEAST AS selfish as any single person – sometimes more selfish. Often they’re so wrapped up in their little word with THEIR HUSBAND, THEIR OFFSPRING, THEIR CURRENTLY TROUBLED MARRIAGE, THEIR HOUSEWORK THEY MUST DO TO KEEP THEIR MARRIAGE GOING. Putting THEIR offspring before their friends, with NO THOUGHT TO ANY SORT OF COMPROMISE AT ALL, not even a little bit. They phone you with moans about THEIR parents who try to take over THEIR offspring, critisizing THEM for how they treat THEIR kids – often unfairly, admittedly. But then, when a single friend/brother-in-law wants to moan selfishly(?) about their loneliness and/or their broken heart/latest person in their life to muck them around/piss them off, they haven’t got time to listen – too busy getting THEIR meal for THEIR family, get the picture? Yes, the singleton “I’m lonely” or “she/he’s messing me around again, wasn’t I a prat to get involved with them in the first place?” thing might be – too a married person – repetitive, but…guess what, marrieds? “He’s an arsehole, he’s being a pig, he’s not the wonderful husband he was in our first five years, he’s lost respect for me now I’m no longer the slim, sexy young woman I was in our early days…” Maybe, just MAYBE I’ve heard it all before, too. And, no, when moaning about being “Over 30 and STILL single” – being told (in a reminder one must ALWAYS be truthful about one’s age as one no longer looks 30 even on a good day….one could sound a real prat saying “over 30″ and not specifying how “over 30″ one actually IS, right?) – “You’re 40″…thanks A LOT!! Imagine if I said “Well, he’s being nice now, but he’ll soon go back to being a pig again”. Anyone reckon I should? Yeah, me too.

  • M.K.Purohit

    Single life is OK no doubt. But if someone never bothers for the rest of the world is perhaps not a life. Everybody has come single and leave the world single on a fine day. But we have been brought to this world for a definite purpose by the almighty. The purpose is important. The rest of the world relation friends are only a landing place and take off place just like plane requires a land to be landed and to take off.My friends please see how important is this landing place. should we not take care for safe landing and safe take off.

  • Paige Cole

    I am really thankful the author of this article took the time to analyze and discuss this topic because it is something I have been thinking about a lot lately. Personally, I have happily and confidently made the decision to not get married or have children. Most people question this choice I’ve made since I am a 19 year old college student who has happy parents, grew up in a nice family and probably “doesn’t have enough experience” to make this decision. But I think these people who question me are failing to understand the bigger picture, which is maybe getting married and creating a family is just “not in the cards” for me. Maybe, just possibly, getting married isn’t actually for everyone. I’m not psychotic, hideous, mean, or an unenjoyable person to be around. So even though I am still young, I ask myself over and over how throughout my entire life I have never experienced loving someone or someone loving me and I have never even been in a relationship. Is something wrong with me? I wonder about this all the time. But then I think that maybe all these conceptions about fate, soul mates and true love is actually a bunch of bullshit. Maybe just maybe, some people are meant to end up alone. Maybe my decision to be “lonely”, as some people will call me, will actually take me on a path to things greater and more fulfilling than what a marriage and children have to offer. Also, who is to say a relationship and a family is all that its cracked up to be? It’s not. Couples fight, disagree, cheat, and tear each other down ALL the time. Families become dysfunctional and even sometimes a burden ALL the time. Why in the world would I want to put so much of my time, energy and emotion into relationships that are today failing on a much too regular basis? I would much rather focus on a job that I love, traveling the world and creating great friendships and memories.

    • sara

      You’re 19? I’m incredulous about this because a) you sound incredibly mature and b) even though I plan to remain single and think it’s a completely rational, respectable decision for any person, it makes me a bit sad that you’ve come to this conclusion at such a young age, especially when you say things like “no one has ever loved me” and “is there something wrong with me?”. I can’t help but think that something other than a well-informed decision based on experience and self-knowledge is causing your feelings. I don’t mean to be patronising, as I said, you’re clearly beyond your years, but if you want to talk…

      • Amy Petty

        If you didn’t mean to be patronizing, you wouldn’t be. Yet that’s exactly what you’re being.

        I’ve known my ENTIRE life I didn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone, at all, ever. I was conscious of it at fifteen, and firmly committed to it by nineteen, and NOT because there was anything wrong me me or the family I grew up within. It’s kind of stupid and silly for you to affirm it as a rational, respectable decision–one you claim for yourself, allegedly–and then to deny her the right to it because YOU deem her too young to make it.

  • HowRight

    well i certainly hate being single. loneliness is like a disease which hurts more than anything.

    • SomeRandomGuyOnTheStreet

      It is all of what a person makes of it………..

    • sara

      Aww! Being single doesn’t have to mean being lonely!

  • william sanders

    being a person myself who has been single for most of my life and had few relationships. i find myself much happier being single. there are hardly any worries to deal with being single. i dont have to worry about anyone cheating one me or leaving me or upsetting the person im with. there is no arguing no fighting no disagreements. unless of course you wanna argue with yourself lol. but there is a huge benifit of being single. emotionality and financially too. there truly are less to deal with. relationships are good for people who find true love. but for people like me it feels like a needle in a haystack trying to find the right person. also too when in a relationship you have to worry about what you do as well. people are always constinality in your buisness in your personal life. especially when you with someone. everyone knows what your doing and where your going all the time. the most best thing about being single is that you have alot more privacy. you dont have to worry bout your neighbor knowing the arugment you had with your partner. and then everyones now all of a sudden pissed with you because of that arguement. because face it people talk and people tell others too much personal information at times. to fill that gap of feeling alone i found that getting a pet helps with the companionship. for me it was a parrot was a perfect companion. and that fills that gap of feeling lonly it definality helps. i tend to see the bright side of being single. i definality feel much more free to be myself.

  • PastorofPLUR

    I feel like my single friends haven’t left college. They’re still living through community groups, particularly their leadership positions in such groups, and still speaking as if these groups are all that matter in life. As if they are superior to the many people actually participating in the group, who don’t take leadership positions because they are married and raising kids (read: don’t have the free time). They’re still letting men use them for sex without giving them anything in exchange but doubts and low self-esteem. They’re still slaving away for the approval of their boss, because they don’t have specific people in their lives whose opinion matters more than that of their boss.

    The single adult friend is the perpetual visitor, who is so used to being told “Mi Casa Es Su Casa,” by polite hosts that eventually they hold the mentality “Su Casa Es Mi Casa” wherever they go, and brag that they feel comfortable anywhere. Sure, because you lack the boundaries of someone who runs their own household, and is therefore less casual when entering another person’s domain. They don a false, overly close level of comfort with everyone because they are so often guests and strangers. They must serve as the entertainer, singing for their supper, so to speak, or their place at the table. Because they don’t belong – they’re not there for the daily work, commitment, and sacrifices that make a family unit. They’re busy being independent and single.

    I think the most ironic things about singles who brag that they’re better off being single: 1) They brag that they have more peaceful lives, but they usually willingly take on more work and challenges, ending up with more professional stress than a married person would accept, 2) They brag that they aren’t in relationships with people who treat them badly, but have anonymous sex with people who treat them as free prostitutes (you’re not even allowed to stay the night or bother them with phone calls), 3) They fail to realize that the same fears and insecurities that keep them from progressing to commitment to a love partner also are the reasons that they complain so much about their relationships with their families and their (mostly married) friends.

    • sara

      Not all single people are as you’ve described. Sorry to hear you’ve had such negative experiences.

    • fairjustice

      Jesus, where did you get this diatribe from? Surreal. So many words only to say you hate single people, just for being single.

    • fairjustice

      My reply to you, on a paragraph basis:
      1st paragraph: This simply sounds like your own reflection based on an inferiority complex. You can’t read people’s minds, when you actually attempt to do this, you are filtering their behavior through your personal-colored lens. Thus = reflection of your inferiority complex.
      2nd paragraph – What you describe sounds like these people you know have diplomatic skills. In contrast, people who only interact within their own small tihgt-knit group may exhibit social phobia when outside of that group, hence you won’t have acquired those diplomatic skills.
      3rd paragraph – 1) You assume people that do this do not love their career, I’m sorry that you don’t have a career you love. I do and because I do I treat it like my own business and exercise my natural entrepreneurial tendencies with it. 2) You assume these people want a relationship. I am not seeking a relationship. If I want sex I don’t expect anything in return. If that is the case for you, fine, but don’t assume that others have the same hang ups or religious ideas as you, and don’t assume that others are looking for relationships. Fears and insecurities? Those people that thrive at work and sing at dinners? wow. Again, you are assuming that these people are looking for a relationship. Not the case. I am single by choice and happy that way. When I read comments like yours it really saddens me for humanity, more and more it behaves like a cult where people who do not follow the same path as you are marginalized and hated simply for being themselves. It makes me happy that I will remain single and that I am childfree and will not bring kids to suffer discrimination and hate from people like you.

    • imagi

      You seem very opinionated and judgmental. Maybe, its the singles in your circle who behave like that. But have you given a thought to those singles who badly want to meet and marry but do not find the right person? They get judged by people like you. Remember life is very fragile, you could become single in a flash if your spouse is killed tomorrow or leaves you. Don’t be so smug in your own opinions.

  • SomeRandomGuyOnTheStreet

    I will come out and say it. Why do people feel that they should “have” to be with someone?
    I look around myself and see people who are married, doing the kid thing and feel that I am in a way better situation than they are. And I am not trying to rationalize my position or even pick on anybody.

    Thanks to my peers, I feel sorry for them. I have never seen any couples live great together. I have never seen any kids come out great (myself included). Also, speak for the factor of people dumping people. Thanks for breeding with me. Now go. Yes, I know many divorced people in their 40s+ years and divorced. Well, I can skip the divorce and the drama involved for 18+ years. Btw, no matter what happens, nobody is a winner except the divorce lawyers. That is why there seems to be lots including criminal lawyers

  • Selina J

    Hi everyone i will never forget the help the priest of JAYEMA temple render to me in my marital life. i have been married for 4 years now and my husband and i love each other very dearly . after 3 years of our marriage my husband suddenly change he was having an affair with a lady outside,i notice it then i was praying for divine intervention the thing became more serious i told my pastor about it we prayed but nothing happen. my husband just came home one day he pick up his things and left me and the kids to his mistress outside at this time i was confuse not knowing what to do again because i have lost my husband and my marriage too. i was just checking my mails in the office when i saw someone sharing her testimony on how the priest of JAYEMA temple help her out with her marital problems so i contacted the email of priest JAYEMA i told him my problem and i was told to be calm that i have come to the right place that i should fill some information concerning my self i did after 30 minus he called me again congratulating me that my problems will be solve within 48 hours. he told me what went wrong with my husband and how it happen.that they will restored my marriage but i will make a free donation to their JAYEMA home anything my heart told me. to my greatest surprise my husband came to my office begging me on his knees that i should find a place in my heart to forgive him i quickly ask him up that i have forgiven him.friends your case is not too hard why don’t you give priest JAYEMA a try they work surprises because i know they will also bring back your husband. contact him via

  • Juliet

    Hi Selina

    i was in a big problem in my marital life so i read your testimony on how Priest JAYEMA help you get your husband back and i said i will give it a try and i contacted the Priest JAYEMA to help me and he promised to help me get my problem solved. now am so happy with my life because all my problems are over. Thanks to the great Priest JAYEMA for the help and Thanks to you Selina.

    AM SO HAPPY……..

  • Seriously Speaking

    Well that may work for many other people, but what about many of us that really don’t? And there are many of us men out there looking for a good woman to settle down with, but with so many Very Psycho Women out there nowadays that just makes it very difficult for many of us men that are Very Seriously Looking to meet a Decent One Today.

  • Brady Davis

    For me, being single is the greatest experience of my life. 3 years ago, I left home after a horrible relationship. I was only in it just to see what I missed in High School. Two and half years with her and I never truly loved her. In fact, I’ve never loved anyone in that way. I find it difficult to believe that I could be taken by an individual when I don’t understand, nor see the benefits of sharing my world with anyone. I’m perfectly fine without being bothered by such a trivial matter as I’ve found intimacy to be. However, I still remain in good spirits to this day and I wish those that want to persue a meaningful relationship will live out their lives as fruitful as possible.

  • Louise

    I have been asked many times if I am afraid of growing old alone – as I see all the men in my parents life dying one after the other, leaving the women who all had to nurse them first.. I realise the most important thing to nurture is friendships. When I’m old and grey I look forward to sharing my life with women and men – whoever is around and we can help each other. Those that put all that responsibility onto one person are the ones who suffer the most later in life.

  • John P Nasiatka

    I am 48 never been married and love this article. I am glad to see that I am not alone on this journey. I too enjoy the benefits of being single and have no interest in settling down ever!

  • Mary

    Well, I tried to reading as many comments as possible there are a lot of people out there to consider. Not wanting any responsibility for having children. I was never able to do that my body wouldn’t make babies; trying to find the right guy? I have a “BEND” finger when attempting to pick a guy I was never very good at this unbeknown to “ME” I seem to unwittingly choice the “BAD BOY” types. Married twice both short 1st on 4 years 2 1/2 of the years waiting to get into divorse court in an overly large city. 2nd lasts about 59 days. I’m just no good at picking a good partner. Better to stay single and have a little money than married and have to sit up nights wondering if he’s going to come home with another woman or better yet she calls you on the phone to see if he’s with you “HIS WIFE”. Pretty Funny Huh? Make lots of friends be “KIND” to one another and, if you are blessed to have good parents as I did besure to tell them often how much you LOVE them. Mine are both gone now I couldn’t have made it without their Love. Much Love to all of you God Bless You I hope you find true love.

  • Tainia Lami

    I want to share a testimony as a wife, unveiled, uncovered and wide open, to purge my heart of the pain I have encountered and to encourage other women in the world who are, have been, or will soon be wives. Marriage is an interesting and complicated relationship and no one should feel like they are going through it thinking they are the only ones with their problems. I have gone through complications in my marriage that i thought all was lost but i was proved wrong at spirituallove@hotmail. com were i got the spell to set things back on tracks again in my marriage. After a spell at spirituallove@hotmail. com, my husband was a new man. He is loving my new attitude and my body now

  • Chris Champagne

    I suppose some enjoy living a life of celibacy and others celebrate the “hookup” lifestyle, but neither of those options appeal to me. I love sex but hate the inevitable consequences of promiscuity. As a young single guy in the 70s and 80s, all I worried about was using effective contraception. I enjoyed an active sex life, even if I did sometimes need to go to the doctor for a shot of penicillin. That was all it took. Today, you get a virus and you’re dealing with it for the rest of your life. An active sex life with a committed partner seems like the only way to go for me.

  • Ashley Thomas

    He brought back my ex within 24 hrs when
    others failed just using this post as a
    testimony and to tell people that there are
    still Real spell caster out there .
    if you need his help in any way be it LOVE
    LUCK……do contact him directly on
    Thank you all.
    Name:Ashley Thomas
    Location: France

  • Lisa Young

    I think what Joey meant was that Trespicio is young (full of energy, wouldn’t need a partner to depend on at this point in her life), healthy, successful and self-sufficient, but if you take someone who is old, unhealthy, and suffering from a disease (who would would benefit from having a caretaker beside him), then the likelihood of the latter being happy being alone would be very slim.

    I agree with Joey, I like the idea of partnership and interdependency. At the same time though, it should be healthy interdependency, where they don’t rely on each other for happiness and security. I think the healthiest partnerships come from two people who want to be with each other, instead of needing the other person to fill a void in their life that they haven’t filled themselves.

  • Lisa Young

    This comment has been removed for violating our comments policy.