Ben Affleck’s Secret Star Wars Script!

By | Arts & Entertainment |

At the end of last week, Disney announced that J.J. Abrams, the beloved nerd king behind Lost, Alias, and the recent Star Trek reboot, would be directing the new Star Wars sequel, Episode VII. Perhaps you also noticed the other director that Disney was supposedly considering, named…Ben Affleck! Yes! Good ole’ Ben!

Sadly, a Star Wars movie directed by Affleck will never see the dark of a movie theater. Lucky for you, though, Boston was able to secure part of a draft script that Boston's favorite son presented to Disney*. Enjoy.

*Should read: that we made up just now.

CRAWLING TEXT:

A LONG TIME AGO, IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY…

Episode VII: Rise of the South

It is a period of both hope and danger for the universe.
The Rebel Alliance has dismantled the evil Galactic Empire
and replaced it with a fledgling democracy. However, the
new government is weak and much nation building remains.

The Alliance dispatches Luke, Leia, Han, and Chewie
to a remote planet named South-E to enlist an elusive
prodigy to help the cause…

FADE IN:

EXTERIOR — GRAY CONCRETE URBAN ENVIRONMENT — DUSK — ESTABLISHING

LUKE, LEIA, HAN, and CHEWBACCA are walking down an urban street, passing a mix of humans and aliens. They stop in front of a building with a sign that says “L STREET CANTINA.”

A DRUNK wearing a green tanktop and matching nylon zip-up pants comes flying out through the door, landing on the pavement. A BOUNCER slams the door shut. The DRUNK gets up and stumbles off.

HAN
“Looks like my kind of place.”

CHEWBACCA guffaws. LEIA looks at LUKE and rolls her eyes.

LUKE
“Let’s just find this guy and get out of here. This place
gives me the creeps.”

HAN opens the door and all four walk in.

INTERIOR – CROWDED, DIMLY LIT BAR

They walk down the crowded bar, as the PATRONS stare. Loud music is playing from an ancient looking box attached to the wall; as they pass, they notice it says, “Shipping up to Boston.” CHEWBACCA and LEIA go and sit at an empty table in the corner, while HAN and LUKE approach the bar and signal the bartender.

LUKE
“We’re looking for a guy from around here.”

The BARTENDER raises an eyebrow. HAN elbows LUKE and shoots him a dirty look.

HAN
“What my friend meant to say is that we’ll take a
pitcher of your local ale. How about the one
with the orange handle with the funny spear on top?”

The BARTENDER pours the beer and hands it over. LUKE pays.

BARTENDER
“We don’t much like outsidas here.”

LUKE (annoyingly)
“But it’s important! We really need to speak
with him. His name is Fitzie. Do you know him?”

The BARTENDER laughs and looks down the bar.

BARTENDER
Hey FITZIE. These fellas are looking for you.”

A few stools down the bar, FITZIE stands up. He is stocky and is wearing a sideways hat and a blue warm-up suit. The other PATRONS turn and look. FITZIE looks aggressive.

FITZIE
“WHO THE HELL AH YOU? WHADDYA WANT?”

HAN
“We just want to buy you a beer and talk.”

FITZIE smiles. The other PATRONS return to their drinks.

FITZIE
“WELL WHY DIDN’T YA SAY SO?”

HAN motions to the corner table. FITZIE sits down with LUKE and HAN at CHEWBACCA and LEIA’s table.

HAN
“I’m Han, and this is Luke, Chewbacca, and Leia.”

FITZIE
“LAY–AH?! JEEZ, I JUST MET 'AH!”

CHEWBACCA guffaws, HAN chuckles, and LEIA rolls her eyes. LUKE looks uncomfortable; he still clearly has an awkward thing for her. FITZIE takes a big gulp of beer.

LEIA
“Charming.”

FITZIE
“SO YOU GUYS IN THE MAHKET FOR SOME WARM-UPS?
I GOT ALL THE KNOCK-OFFS YOU COULD EVAH WANT.”

LUKE
“No, we're good. Why are you yelling?”

FITZIE (puzzled)
“THIS IS JUST HOW I TAHK.”

HAN
“Listen, we’re looking for a math Jedi who used to
live around here. Name is Hunting.”

FITZIE (alarmed)
“WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH WILL?”

LEIA
“Well, Fitzie, we’re afraid that Will is our only hope.
Also, I'd love to find his friend Chuckie. He’s so handsome.”

FADE OUT

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