A Failed Interview with Macaulay Culkin and Pizza Underground

Culkin and his band, Pizza Underground, will only answer questions about pizza. So we sent them a few.

macaulay culkin pizza underground

Illustration by Yiqing Shao

The realm of former child stars can claim scientists (Mayim Bialik), religious zealots (Kirk Cameron), and quixotic, leather-clad aspiring Hugh Hefners (Corey Feldman), but Macaulay Culkin is the first of his kind to stake a claim in the world of conceptual art.

After dressing like Kurt Cobain, forming an artist collective with members of the Moldy Peaches, and painting a series of Super Mario- and Seinfeld-themed works, Culkin recently turned his attentions to the music realm, singing with a pizza-themed Velvet Underground cover band called the Pizza Underground.

I’ve always been fond of Mac. For most people our age, it’s impossible not to be—our formative movie-going years were defined by his presence and range. Who could be funnier as a crafty child left home alone, or more tragic as an allergy-sufferer torn from this world far too soon?

Even Mac’s current quest to reinvent himself as an art-world trickster is pretty endearing. I think I sort of get where he’s going with all this Kurt Cobain, Seinfeld, and Nintendo stuff; he’s fated to be remembered for his role in a ’90s comedy, so why shouldn’t he make weird art about the weird era in which he’ll be forever trapped? To me, the Pizza Underground seems like a paean to an ’80s childhood and a charming middle finger to the rockist shibboleth that the Velvet Underground changed everything.

There’s a chance, of course, that I’m overthinking things, so when I heard the Pizza Underground was playing Boston, I jumped at the chance to find out. I emailed Mac’s publicist to request an interview and received a most puzzling response:

Dear Eugenia
Thank you for your correspondence.

Macaulay Culkin does not participate in solo interviews concerning The Pizza Underground. As you know, there are five band members all equally important which we greatly respect.

If you would like to put through 5 – 7 questions via email (pizza-themed of course) one of the band members will answer on behalf of the group. We will provide you with a portrait and bio also.

Please let me know if this would be of interest, but if not we understand. In addition, we will not be able to provide you with a press pass for the performance, but if you do attend the show at Church, we hope you enjoy it.

Thank you again

Nobody likes email interviews; they’re typically stilted and boring and super lame. Usually, the only time anyone will go near them is if the subject is so infinitely fascinating that even their dinkiest thoughts will enthrall readers happy to read something, anything uttered by the white-hot object of their fascination.

Macaulay Culkin hasn’t made a film anyone paid attention to since Party Monster—it came out 10 years ago and sucked donkey balls. He is now participating in a very silly musical act that is only notable for his (fading) celebrity and moderately amusing juxtaposition of a revered rock band and a foodstuff.

What does it mean for such a demi-celebrity to tell a reporter that their very silly project—one completely unrelated to the thing for which he is famous—has so much artistic integrity that he cannot be interviewed about it lest his ever-dimming star power overshadow the very real, very meaningful art he is creating right at this very second? Said celebrity conveys that he is astoundingly self-important, engaged in a tongue-in-cheek performance art project that satirizes the notion of self-importance, on drugs, couldn’t care less, or an unholy combination of all of the above.

But whatever—it’s just a dumb interview about a dumb pizza band, right? I decided to play along and emailed his publicist some pizza questions.


… Boston Magazine will publish the interview online with the show details if the band answers the following questions:

If you were a very large (but, admittedly, very dried-out) piece of sausage on top of a mediocre pizza surrounded by much smaller pieces of sausage hoping to receive some of your reflected glory, would you do interviews or make journalists email the pizza as a collective?

If drugs were pizza, what toppings would they have?

If you had a choice between staying relevant forever and never eating a slice of pizza again or being a has-been and eating all the pizza you want, which would you choose?

If a lady pizza married a man pizza and had a pizza baby, should they put the pizza baby in showbiz and take all his money?

If you fell in love with a gentle, pre-adolescent pizza that died from a bee sting, how would you grieve?

Has pizza ever slept with Lindsay Lohan?

If you wanted to have some little boys over for a slumber party at the Neverland Ranch, would you order pizza?

In response, Mac’s publicist asked me to call her. What she thinks of me is strictly off the record, but suffice to say, she declined my interview request. What size pizza goes best with disappointment? Is rejection more like sausage or pepperoni? I’ll never tell.

  • mary

    your questions were disgusting to ask. i wouldnt even care to answer.

  • Tom Lang

    Creative and really, really “b” wordy! Good job

  • John Rooney

    Wow, must’ve been that time of the month for you because I think in your rage of emotions at the denial of an interview you completely

    • jean

      The incredibly sexist first line of this comment — a cheap, sexist, ignorant, and completely irrelevant shot — totally invalidates your otherwise fine points. Nice work, cliched, chauvinist pig.

    • mcslimjb

      Nothing says, “Gigantic asshole” quite like making a crack about menstruation.

      • d0x360

        So true. That opening jab almost entirely negates the rest of the post.

        • louis

          yes, a common joke about what 2/3 of the human population goes through makes every other opinion he has void of truth. you sir, are a fucking idiot

          • d0x360

            If you knew how to read you would clearly see I said ALMOST NEGATES. Its cool though. The guy who tosses Insults first has no leg to stand on. That aside you clearly have very little intelligence since you can’t seem to grasp why 2/3 of the population would find what he said insulting.

          • louis

            then why say it. sure, almost means it doesnt negate it. its almost like saying “nearly missed”. no point in wording it that way. of course what he said was insulting, it was meant to be that way. it’s also something women should be used to be now. kind of like guys being used to small penis jokes

          • d0x360

            Ahh so if something is offensive but it gets said a lot then it should no longer be offensive. I’m all for saying outlandish things and speaking my mind or making a dirty joke but just because I’m not offended by what I’m saying doesn’t mean others aren’t. There is a time and place for certain comments. Adding in an unnecessary joke like that takes what might have been an excellent point and immediately knocks it back a few points. It sets the author up as someone who should be ignored instead of someone with a valid opinion. A large sum of people who stop reading the moment they hit his joke and ignore the rest of the post.

          • louis

            well, if a large sum of people ignore the rest of his post over something that wasnt said to them are largely dumb

          • d0x360

            I don’t think its dumb if someone stops reading something they find offensive or in bad taste. Why keep reading?

      • louis

        he is an asshole about making a joke about menstruation. but its completely ok for the author of the article to make a personal joke about his childhood molestation? you sir, can fuck off

        • mcslimjb

          The only allusions to molestation I see here are from commenters who are getting all huffy about something the author never wrote. She alluded to Macaulkin’s Neverland Ranch sleepovers, which he freely admits he engaged in many of while also claiming that he was never molested. So John Rooney remains an asshole, and you can apply your suggestion to yourself.

          • louis

            making a joke about menstruation does not make you an asshole. it means he knows how to get women’s panties in a twist, much like your panties are right now

          • mcslimjb

            Calling out assholes and the assholes that defend them doesn’t raise my blood pressure the tiniest bit.

          • louis

            i didnt mention your blood pressure. i was referring to your twisted panties

          • mcslimjb

            I bet that slays them in your set. All the wit of a third-grader.

          • louis

            if being accurate and correct means i have the wit of a “third-grader”, then fine. obviously you ignore all points that are made when you feel offended, so i guess we’ll have to leave it at that

    • Macário

      Yep, you’re a douche.

  • http://www.jakestevensdesign.com Jake Stevens

    Awww, I was really hoping you’d actually play along 🙁 Sad Panda

    • BCarbaugh

      Right? Missed opportunity.

  • Jason Dunn

    It’s worth noting that the bee sting girl had her arm cut off by Hannibal Lecter. How’s THAT for a pizza topping?

  • isawsasquatch

    “What does it mean for such a demi-celebrity to tell a reporter that their very silly project—one completely unrelated to the thing for which he is famous—has so much artistic integrity that he cannot be interviewed about it lest his ever-dimming star power overshadow the very real, very meaningful art he is creating right at this very second? Said celebrity conveys that he is astoundingly self-important…”

    I pretty much get the opposite of all that. Writer seems like a douche. A self-important one, even.

    Way to be the butt of the joke without even realizing it, writer.

    • CLowell

      Yeah, it sounded to me like he wasn’t shoving aside his bandmates to bask in the spotlight. Where I’m from, that’s a pretty good indicator of integrity.

  • Jackie Chan28

    And this is why the term “journalistic” is synonymous with “professional asshole.”

  • Rudi Block

    HAAAA I’m glad there are journalists around that aren’t just looking to hang off the nuts of any celebrity who passes through their city. Such seriousness so pizza.

  • Walter Green

    seems a little needlessly hurtful!

  • Clay N. Ferno

    No mention about the Show? Church Saturday. Limited tix avail.

  • joanmcn@aol.com

    The fact that this freakin has been even has a “publicist” makes me laugh…Some people will do anything for money…

    • Darby O’ Gill

      You are repulsive. Good luck with that you fucking creep.

  • mcslimjb

    Thanks, Eugenia, for giving this absurdly pretentious has-been exactly the kind of questions he deserves. Very, very funny.

    • Darby O’ Gill

      You are a fucking goon.

      • mcslimjb

        Hush, child. Shouldn’t you be watching Spongebob about now?

        • louis

          article was unfunny, and unproffessional

      • jennybento

        I don’t know if Darby O’Gill from Darby O’Gill & The Little People would be okay with this language.

    • BCarbaugh

      What makes him pretentious? That he has the nerve to be in a band? What a twat!

  • Brian Paris

    I don’t understand why this reporter would want to cover this story. She has no respect for the band or for Culkin. In my opinion, Eugenia comes off looking like to one in the wrong.

    Why go into an interview by asking rude and inappropriate questions? There was no need for it. She complains about Culkin not being relevant, but the only reason she wants to write the story is because of him.

    Maybe the band members and publicist are trying to avoid those types of interviews and hoping to get people to write about the project itself. Seems like they are focused on their band and don’t want the distraction of petulant reporters.

    • Alpine McGregor

      Are we talking about the band that does pizza related covers of Velvet Underground songs? How much respect is really warranted here?

      • Brian Paris

        If the band on it’s own doesn’t deserve respect, then why cover them? The reporter was just trying to use Culkin’s celebrity, which she says he doesn’t have anymore. Then she is rude about it. Very unnecessary. If you don’t like them, cover someone better.

      • Darby O’ Gill

        Eat shit.

      • robingee

        The same respect anyone else is entitled to.

  • Alex Moran

    nice job eugenia, didn’t even mention the show… shit journalism and you’re kind of rude

  • Laura Michaels

    Did you think posting this “article” would make Culkin look bad? It doesn’t. It makes YOU look like a complete hack, snotty, whiny, little jerk. Keep it up, you are on the right track of becoming a has-been, wanna’ be “journalist”.

  • Jo

    Good Lord. Did you not get enough hugs as a kid?

  • Artypea

    You are an actual, real-life, asshole. Oh, you’re not, you say? Well maybe Culkin could give a shit about celebrity or the films he’s done. And that he’s doing something dumb and fun is completely lost on you. “Who wouldn’t want to have ME interview them? This pizza thing is stupid. It must be somehow about him (It’s a stunt!). I’ll just assume I know him even though I’ve never met him. Watch as I rattle off some real stinging sarcastic Q’s to make up for my lack of journalistic integrity…” Pathetic.

  • robingee

    Yeah you’re a dink. How is this even an article about anything?

  • jack

    Man, I can’t imagine why he wouldn’t want to grant you an interview.

  • ken37

    The fact that this person is a paid journalist and I know actual music bloggers who do it for free disgusts me.

  • Mars Hall – Music

    When you play music, just because a band is “silly,” or “weird,” or “funny” (whether it be The Frogs or Tenacious D or Gwar, etc.) it doesn’t make their music any less important or valid. It takes just as much work to write a good funny song as it does a sappy one, if not more. (I’m not saying the Pizza Underground is artistic genius, but I’m sure this author would be more than happy to take Weird Al down a few pegs.)

  • jack

    How dare he! I know that if I were Macauly Culkin, I would be tripping over myself to sit down with a journalist like Ms. Williamson so that she could make fun of me for not being famous anymore, having fun with my dumb pizza band and possibly being molested. Can you belive the nerve of this guy?

  • Ben Bromberg

    Ditto to all the comments below, this is some kind of terrible. Also – Party Monster is fucking awesome.

  • Val Kross

    Wow, way to go. You went from having inquisitive integrity in the first half of this article, to having a snide temper tantrum because you didn’t like the outcome to your inquiry. If that’s the way you present yourself as a professional, it’s no wonder they didn’t want to deal with you.

  • Drone Henley

    You are one horrible person, Ms. Williamson.

  • Jason

    So did you start off acting nice and then flip out because you didn’t get an interview because you are a hypocrite or a hack?

  • Garf garf

    This is amazing.

  • ohio man

    The weirdest part of this situation is the vehemence of the comments and that there are more than I’ve seen for any other post on this site. People are this upset because of some silly questions about Macaulay Culkin’s pizza band that apparently offended his publicist? Really?

    • Manning

      Hack jokes about chid sex abuse, parental exploitation of children, and drug addiction are “silly” since when?

  • Mike Dronkers

    Eugenia – I’m not going to attack you, but maybe:
    1. Some comments below have some truth in them, and it’s worth considering. Don’t write it all off as trolling.
    2. I think we all appreciate interviews not cowtowing to their subjects, but you’re not exactly speaking truth to power here. It just looks rude.
    3. I truly hope you didn’t just hurt your career.

  • VforValentine

    Such a disappointing article. Boston magazine, you should consider investing in a new journalist. Also – an apology is due.

  • dumdum

    butthurt much?

  • sarahnowak

    I am afraid is it you who, in fact, “sucks donkey balls”.

  • brian

    as a permanent member of personal and the pizzas, coming to the defense of the pizza underground is ironic. that being said, you, ms. williamson, certianly deserve “the chain” for this one.

  • Red Raspberry


    • louis

      it doesnt matter if the band sucks. i didnt listen to the music, i read this god awful article

  • Red Raspberry

    Also, I didn’t realize so many great journalists had time in their busy schedules to post comments online. Kudos folks.

  • Tootin’ Common

    I’m glad shit on the Internets sticks around ad nauseam because you’ll want to refresh your memory one day when you sit around your shantytown wondering how it all went to hell in a handbasket. Use the thinks once in a while and try to imagine how small you are, and how much pain is out there that you are lucky enough to have not swallowed. Yet.

  • Anish Shah

    “Be respectful of our online community and contribute to an engaging
    conversation. We reserve the right to remove impersonators or personal
    attacks, threats, profanity, or flat-out offensive comments.”

    It’s weird how Boston Magazine has a higher standard for comments than they do for actual articles.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jonathan.e.hawks Jonathan Hawks

    What the hell is with journalists’ attitude towards people who were celebrities in the past? “You’re not famous anymore, therefore before we even start let me remind you that you are twice as worthless as I am, and I’ve never been famous!”? It’s a dumb artsy joke band. He’s keeping it in that sphere You are a poor human being for writing such disgusting questions.

  • Manning

    Can you imagine any journalist ridiculing Ronan Farrow with cheap jokes about child rape? Can you imagine any newspaper printing it? He’s a human being and deserves the basic courtesies we extend to most of our fellow human beings. That includes not ridiculing a child for his own child abuse. This is one of the worst things I’ve ever read.

  • fgd135

    Can’t get enough of the child rape jokes. Keep up the good work, Eugenia!

  • AN_CRM114

    Why do people feel like they need to come to Mac’s defense? The article treats the Pizza Underground with the same irreverence that PU treats the Velvets. By the way, YouTube Anissa Jones’s hilarious take on those Teutonic Funkmeisters, CAN, in her band, CAN’T. It is a joke that will never get old and neither will Anissa.

  • CardinalComment

    Hi Eugnia! I run a blog for the Catholic church and we are currently hiring for a full-time writer position. We’re looking for someone who can see the lighter side of child molestation and we’re very impressed with your work. Drop me a line if you’re interested!

    • Chris Baratki

      The writer of this “article” is what’s wrong with the human race. Let’s revel in someone’s pain. Culkin owes you nothing and furthermore does not need to explain himself to you. God forbid he doesn’t want to answer your self-serving questions. You should seriously be ashamed of yourself yet somehow i surmise all this negative attention excites you. I weep for the future.

  • http://andrewwaterloo.tumblr.com Andrew Waterloo

    You know, Home Alone and My Girl were over 20 years ago, perhaps we should get over it? Obviously the man has done other things and moved on with his life. He’s certainly not obligated to explain to willfully obtuse reporters that he’s simply not their grown up version of Kevin, and that his life isn’t some kind of practical joke on society. Or that maybe Pizza Underground is something he enjoys doing and not just a travelling vanity project.

  • Zombie Prep Network

    So snark and douchebaggery are what passes for journalism over at Boston Magazine these days?

  • javamon

    As offensive as this article is, on so many levels, the editor who chose to publish it deserves some of the blame as well. He or she should have known better, if clearly the author did not.

  • Applemask

    Party Monster was a really good film. Your mother.

  • Obladi Oblada

    This article was just BS.Yeah, Eugenia is so postmodern.

    Also, I liked Party Monster.

  • BCarbaugh

    The fucking nerve of Macaulay Culkin, being in a band. Doesn’t he know he should be publicly prostrating himself and apologizing to mankind for ever having been famous, when the subsequent years have revealed a clear lack of true merit? Frankly, he should probably just be executed in the street.

    And get a load of that little shit, getting molested. What an asshole!

    Good thing you took him down a peg. You’re such a good writer. This is such a good site. Snark and cynicism are such a great lens through which to view the world.

    Keep up the good work!

  • Anthony Tyrrell

    As if Culkin owes you anything. Let the guy do something that makes him happy.

  • kintantee

    The Author of this article seems like a real Asshole, why would Anyone want to put up with an interview with you?

  • kintantee

    Because someone declines an interview with the Great Eugenia Williamson, they get sent insulting and unfunny questions by email? Then you brag about it in this horrible column?
    Way to go. Stay classy D bag.

    • Chelsea

      Yeah I agree. This is rude- the guy is trying to stay united with his group and she has to point out that nobody in it is important enough for her time? I’m a journalist and I spend a lot of time interviewing pretty notable people and I would never do that. If he wanted to be considered an individual he wouldn’t have joined a damn band. Also, email interviews aren’t that terrible if you ask good questions.

    • ClydeMcFatter

      I think the point of Ms. Williamson’s piece, bratty though it may be, is that it’s patently absurd that anyone — journalists, publicists, etc., — take this stupid band seriously. It’s a gag, and it’s a lame gag. The only reason the publicist is being so punctilious about it is because money is involved.

  • debruehe

    Well done! And so very brave, too! A shame that the Pulitzers have already been awarded this year. This masterpiece of journalism would have deserved at least two and a half.

  • Fred Sasaki

    Why don’t you guys like fun? I mean Macaulay Culkin obviously does. We should all learn from him and lick the pizza. You know what I mean. I once saw a video of Macaulay Culkin licking a window and it was so great. I think it was in slow motion.

  • FromAway

    What an unfunny asshole you are.

  • JeremyC

    This is one of the worst articles I have read. She’s pissed because she didn’t get to interview Mac? What a baby.

  • Kevin Costello

    This is pathetic. Whatever his publicist said off record was very correct.

  • Laura Michaels

    Man…I just Re-read that, and it made me hate EW even more. What an absolutey pretentious, self-important, douche!

  • DAvallone

    First: quixotic. Either you have no idea what that word means, or you know nothing about Corey Feldman. If it was an attempt to be ironic, it makes no structural sense in a sentence that unironically describes Mayim Bialik and Kirk Cameron.

    Second: demi-celebrity. That makes you, what, a semi-demi-journalist?

    Third: Crazy idea… how about you just go see his band? You know, like real writer would.

    Fourth: You would have really helped yourself out if you’d printed what the publicist said.

    Fifth: I’ve already put more work into this than you did into your “article”.

    Sixth: Comedy is for professionals. Amateurs tend to hurt/embarrass themselves. Accordion lessons, maybe?

  • Stuart Allen

    Accordian STRONG!

  • shieldvulf

    Clearly, I was correct to leave Boston in the provincial dust. Precious and mean is so…so…nobody cares, except perhaps Boston. Good riddance to twee rubbish.

  • Nuno Bojar

    Rejection is more like pepperoni. It sucks as a pizza topping, and is entirely overrated.

  • louis
  • brianheff

    Dude, this story wasn’t funny. You’re just a dick. Was that the point?

  • CrispusA

    Ha, ha, ha…an “author” at the Globe.

  • goddessofmusic

    This article is mean-spirited. Macauley Culkin deserves more respect. As a child he carried the weight of two hugely successful movies on his back. He has entertained and continues to entertain through his movies, and if he wants to go in another direction, who are you to be so scornful? Your so-called questions to the Publicist are not funny, and one of your writing professors should have mentioned to you that put-downs are only funny if they are in fun. Your article is neither.

  • William Nobles

    Very funny, brilliant almost…SO tired of has been long forgotten “celebrities” who won’t just go away. As adults twits like him and Feldman and Lohan have no talent and should get real jobs like the rest of us.

    • Regular Jake Cook

      did you know that yous a hater?

    • mary

      fuck! he is very private guy never in magazine. always running from paparazzi. and his band is just a fun band. they are just having fun. he’s not showing his life into our eyes. and he doesnt need a job, he’s filthy rich. so he can do whatever he wants with his life you hater!

    • Paul W Mather

      You utterly bitter, sadistic prick of a man. Surely to god, the fact Mac didn’t want to be interviewed without his band mates, surely shows integrity and loyalty. He doesn’t think of himself as any better than any of them. Yet you twist it to mean something entirely different.

      Journalists are generally scum bags and you certainly don’t break the mould.

      Unlike “washed up child stars”, Mac chooses not to act. You’re just acting like a 60 year old brat.

  • Tom Mattos


    I try not to eat mac n cheese anymore, not because it’s akin to eating an entire block of cheddar—or worse, if you’re eating the true mac n cheese, Kraft—and I can already at age thirty-one feel my arteries tightening. I don’t avoid it because I don’t want it. I actually yearn for it sometimes, and with me it’s very rarely mind-over-matter. If I want to drink six beers I drink them, end of story. So why do I withhold from one of the things I enjoyed most?

    For the same reason I’m not going to see Macauley Culkin’s Pizza Underground tonight.

    I wait tables at a restaurant that serves lobster mac n cheese, and ours is pretty goddamn amazing. It’s a mac n cheese for adults, plenty of lobster and bacon and garden peas thrown in there to make you feel comfortable ordering baby food as an grown man. What strikes me, though, is that when people order it I can actually see what they truly want. What they want is the reason it’s called comfort food—everyone wants something that reminds them, consciously or unconsciously, of that time when things were simpler. When love didn’t have to be earned or asked for or proven, when it was there just because, because you were there and you were helpless and what else is there to do but love a helpless creature with snot in his nose? Call it nostalgia if you wish, but it’s more than that. It’s not just a longing for the past, it’s a longing for a condition of being, something akin to Picasso’s assertion that he trained his whole life to paint like a child. Ask a child—a niece, a nephew, your son, a cousin, friend—of six or seven if you can inspect the contents of his pockets. What you’ll find in them is exactly what I’m writing about, once you realize that each of these items—a stick, fifteen cents, half of an eraser, one of your old key-chains (where did he find that, anyway?)—is meticulously cataloged and that each one actually means something to him, you’ll recognize that innocence and remember that once this world was magic and everything was both very new and very, very real.

    Now inspect the contents of your pockets. A hundred and fifty dollars in cash. A cell-phone. A set of keys and their attending responsibilities. A leather wallet holding credit cards, a plastic picture of yourself with your name on it, and the phone number of a girl you never called folded neatly on a napkin and tucked away to remind yourself of your value.

    So what? If you’re feeling nostalgic and you want to feel like a kid again, why not order the mac n cheese and eat it and remember all the times your mother made it for you? The answer is that chasing after these childhood feelings yields the same result as someone who injects himself with heroin. It’s never as good as the first time, and each time you draw from this wellspring each time you diminish it. There’s only so much left in the tank, and once you burn that fuel it’s gone and can never be replaced.

    What’s all this got to do with Macauley Culkin’s Pizza Underground? There are a few rituals I hold dear. Watching Home Alone or Home Alone 2 on or around Christmas is one of them. Wonderful movies, still hilarious to this day. There’s little Kevin McCallister running around with his BB gun on his back defending his house—decades later I read this as a metaphor for how our childhoods are methodically torn to shreds—from Joe Pesce and Daniel Stern, be they the wet bandits or the sticky bandits. It’s a simple pleasure, and it is good.

    1990 was twenty-four years ago, though. Now here I am, a thirty-one year-old musician/bartender/slacker. I’ve been playing and recording music in this city for almost ten years—a labor of love, yes, but a labor that takes its toll—always practicing and working. Now Kevin fucking McCallister shows up in my city playing the kazoo in a pizza-themed Velvet Underground tribute band. I could list everything about it that I simply loathe. I could ruminate on the fact that this talentless brat was handed the ability to do virtually anything he wished and this is his contribution? I feel like a teacher staring up at a promising pupil as he turns in a multiple choice test early after circling all Cs and leaving to get high in the bathroom. I could complain that he never even had the discipline to learn to play the fucking guitar, which makes his Boston visit even more fucked up, because here we all know how to play the guitar. The rest of the band? Don’t even get me started. Matt Colbourn is perhaps the reason the Taliban hates us. He’s at least one of the reasons that I hate us.

    I could also start rambling about how it’s a sacrilege to abuse the Velvet Underground’s music like this. Not because it’s holy, or untouchable, or that I’m a die-hard Lou Reed fan. It’s because of the enjambment of pizza and the Velvet underground. It’s simply not clever. There’s no conflation of imagery, there’s no higher-order metacognitive humor hidden beneath. It’s just stupid. The vocal constructions are contrived at best, but, for the most part, are painfully thoughtless. Pitiful, but that word implies some sort of empathy. Fuck them.

    The show will be packed tonight. I’ve been listening to the radio and they’re saying it’s sold out. People will flock to hand their money to Macauley Culkin, hoping to exchange their dollars for the feeling one gets from eating mac n cheese and the chance to see the novelty of Kevin McCallister in the flesh. But if any of these people who blindly invest themselves in this debacle—I’m sure more than a few of my friends are going, people I respect and love—are able to divorce themselves from that novelty, I hope they are able to look at the thing in and of itself. This distance must, by the law of modus tollens, result in the inevitable realization that This shit sucks. From there it’s only a short chain of logic. This shit sucks turns to these people suck and when he admits his participation in the absurdity the honest man extends that logic to it’s conclusion: I suck.

    If you disagree with this logic, let me offer this conundrum: when you were a child and you were watching Kevin McCallister running around the streets of New York, is this what you imagined him doing at this age? Is this what you imagined yourself doing at yours?

    Personally I don’t like the look of Macauley Culkin these days, with his ratty, scraggly blonde hair, his skinny jeans, his lack of confidence. The fact that he looks like what was valuable about him was sucked out by his insane mother with a vacuum cleaner a long time ago. I’d prefer to hold him in space and time as a mere Kevin McCallister and leave it at that. Because if I have to consider what happened to him I also have to consider what happened to me. There aren’t many things that make me feel good anymore, and as they’re taken away one by one, slowly, like weeds swallowing a garden, I get stingier and stingier with what’s left.

    And I ain’t handing an ounce of it to Macauley Culkin. Lord, no.

    Get real.

  • kevin

    As a journalist this is fucking genius. Screw all these haters that do not know all the bullshit pr you have to go through on a daily basis. Keep at it.

    • DannoMack

      I heard Hunter S Thompson started every sentence with “as a journalist”

      • kevin

        Yep, right after the line of coke and triple bloody mary. In fact, he would of definitely told them to fuck off.

        • DannoMack

          Even on all the coke in the world Hunter S Thompson would never write “would of.”

          Your opinion (as a journalist) has been very useful.

  • William Nobles

    People calling me a hater need to learn grammar and maybe use spell check, perhaps graduate high school or maybe, maybe dare I suggest a GED…or how about just get a clue and DEVELOP a sense of humor? Taking Culkin seriously ??? Now that’s FUNNY!

    • Tom Mattos

      You are an idiot.

      • William Nobles

        You prove my point brilliantly: thank you for that…LOL

    • mary

      first: the article isn’t funny, it’s just mean and not professional at all. second culkin is a human and seems like a nice soul. he apparently didnt want to avoid his bandmates which is a good thing. aand sorry for english grammer, english is not my main language. if you know my language let’s speak in it and we’ll see how your grammer is in my language? are you in?

      • Treewizdom

        Niiice reply.

  • Johnny Butt Cerasi

    Why do you think you’re entitled to interview him and his band? It doesn’t matter if he’s a washed up child actor or a homeless man, if he doesn’t want to be interviewed then that’s his right.

  • Treewizdom

    Wow, MC was RIGHT not to be interviewed by the likes of you. Do you have a mirror handy? At the end of your article is written:
    “Be respectful of our online community and contribute to an engaging conversation.”

    However, you were anything but. Though, I must thank you for your article. While I have been concerned for former child actors like Macaulay Culkin, I feel much better about him that he was able to avoid a crash with an entitled egoistic “journalist,” like yourself. Such a scathing article sounds more like the rants of a spoiled brat than a journalist one should take seriously.

    Hooray for you, Macaulay! It’s creepy articles like this one that make it necessary for bands like “Pizza Underground,” that have members who are former young stars who are just trying to have decent, enjoyable lives, set restrictive rules for interviews by simple-minded Holly-hounds seeking to see their name(s) in print. These bands, art groups, what have you, are creating their art, whatever you may think of it. And, since we can all have an opinion, I think you should upgrade yours quite a bit.

  • Sarah

    I think we are all so mad about this article because
    a) we are nostalgic about MC and just want him to be happy, which obviously the author does not,
    b) journalists used to be out on the front lines getting dirty and taking risks to get the untainted truth to the public, whereas now journalism is about writing articles about topics of little global consequence from your couch in order to serve the lowest common denominator by filling up space with buzzwords to get as many clicks and likes and tweets as possible (hence the publication of this article), and
    c) pizza is delicious, why do you have to be so mean about it?

  • Pony Carl

    I’m torn here. I mean, this is some Grade AAA snarkiness. But also – WTF?! Why are you picking on him like he owes you something? Cover his band or don’t. Would you answer questions from a stranger about your shitty childhood just because your band was on tour? The only thing this highlights is someone’s sense of entitlement and it isn’t MCs. I take back the being torn part – but A++ on the snark.

  • Jeannie Weenie

    Do I detect a taste of bitterness, Mr. Nobles?

  • Lucas Ruppel

    Te fuiste al pasto, Euge.

  • Lindsay Prichard

    I think he was being hilarious in his response and you took it seriously.

  • http://www.goldenpizzainc.com/ goldenkent

    What makes it more stunning, you’re there to put a “trend”

  • http://vaelvictus.com Vael Victus

    … this was pretty great.

  • Forblat

    Wait I just read Eugenia’s piece in The Kernel about this post. I had never heard of any of this. Even AFTER reading that article and then reading THIS post I am still super duper confused about how this ever became a thing.

    • Forblat

      Also I am ashamed I did not know because usually I am better at the internet…