If Boston Were Hogwarts from Harry Potter

We sort the city’s finest into the school’s infamous four houses.

POTTER FINAL

Photo illustration by Yiqing Shao / Credits Below

J.K. Rowling, the incredibly famous author of the Harry Potter series, released a short story this week—actually, a fictional gossip column—updating Potter fans on the whereabouts of the beloved characters since the conclusion of Deathly Hallows. In light of this miraculous occasion, Entertainment Weekly painstakingly sorted 150 celebrities into Hogwarts houses, but they had some issues (Ryan Seacrest in Ravenclaw? Is that a joke?).

So now we’re here to do the same thing, but we’re here to do it better. And by better, I mean our good ol’ Boston try. We’ve even chosen prefects (two house leaders—one male, one female), and a housemaster.

Below are Boston’s finest people, places, and things sorted into Slytherin, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Gryffindor. Don’t worry, I solemnly swear I’m up to no good.

SLYTHERIN

Slytherins tend to be ambitious, shrewd, cunning, and strong leaders, as well as achievement-oriented. Slytherins have a reputation for having ill intentions, but this is not always true.

HOUSEMASTERS
The Winklevoss Twins
Because they almost singlehandedly took down Facebook.

PREFECT
B.J. Novak
Because anyone who can play Ryan Howard for eight years must be truly twisted.

PREFECT
Linda Dorcena Forry
Because nobody f*cks with Linda.

OTHERS
The Dropkick Murphys
Aaron Hernandez
The MBTA Green Line
Ted the movie
The Boston Strangler
Scott Brown
Donnie Wahlberg
Dane Cook
Tyler Seguin
The Vineyard
Billy Costa
MIT
Whitey Bulger
Mass. Ave.
Steven Tyler
Bryanna Cappadona
Barstool Sports
Ray Donovan
Southie Rules
The cast of Southie Rules
The producers of Southie Rules
Revere Beach

HUFFLEPUFF

People in Hufflepuff are hardworking, friendly, loyal, honest, and rather impartial. Hufflepuffs are modest and not competitive.

HOUSEMASTER
Bobby Valentine
Because nobody actually knew what he was doing here.

PREFECT
Rene Rancourt
Because for a living, he sings one song every day for part of the year.

PREFECT
Jenny Slate
Because she tweets vague things like this.

OTHERS
Jay Leno
The Funky Bunch
Jordan Knight
Somerville
Amy Poehler
Pedro Martinez
Aly Raisman
Taylor Swift’s Rhode Island beach house
The Herald
Will Middlebrooks
Mitt Romney
Wally the Green Monster
Nomar Garciaparra
Rob Gronkowski
Emerson College
Kris Humphries
“Sweet Caroline”
The “Matty in the Morning” show
Jerry Remy
Alma Wahlberg
Jenny Dell
The Boston Tickler
Johnny Depp as Whitey Bulger
Maria Menounos
Jacoby Ellsbury

RAVENCLAW

Ravenclaws are academically ambitious and value learning, intellect, wit, and wisdom. Ravenclaws are often quirky and unusual.

HOUSEMASTER
Elizabeth Warren
Because she’s a kick-ass senator in a kick-ass pantsuit.

PREFECT
Will Hunting
Because he is wicked smart and not real, like most people in Ravenclaw.

PREFECT
Mindy Kaling
Because she’s a Dartmouth grad turned sassy comedienne who also told Harvard Law that she “sues everybody.”

OTHERS
Matt Damon
The South End
Jonathan Knight
Brandeis University
Conan O’Brien
John Kerry
Ben Affleck
Gov. Deval Patrick
Boston Calling
Ayanna Pressley
John F. Kennedy
Casey Affleck
The MFA
Louis C.K.
Steve Carell
Elizabeth Banks
Paul Wahlberg
Public art
Mark Zuckerberg
The Wicked Tuna captains
Max Mutchnick

GRYFFINDOR

Gryffindors emphasize the trait of courage. Often they are daring, chivalrous, and brave, but can also be reckless and hot-headed.

HOUSEMASTER
Tom Menino
Because he left behind a legacy.

PREFECT
Mark Wahlberg
Because nobody is more hot-headed in the most stereotypically Boston way.

PREFECT
Connie Britton
Because Tami Taylor is a freakin’ SAINT.

OTHERS
Tom Brady
Ted Williams
Paul Revere
@BostonTweet
Bill Belichick
Batfleck
“Cowboy Up”
The Bruins
Joey McIntyre
The Town
Chris Evans
Taylor Schilling
Curt Schilling’s bloody sock
John Krasinski
Boston College
The North End
Uma Thurman
David Ortiz
Boston’s Finest
Rajon Rondo
Matt LeBlanc
Wahlburgers
Kevin Millar
Manny Ramirez

 

PHOTOS VIA SHUTTERSTOCK (BEN AFFLECK, KALING, POEHLER, SLATE, TYLER), WIKIMEDIA COMMONS (GOOD WILL HUNTING, CAPTAIN AMERICA, ROMNEY, LENO, VALENTINE, WALLY), AP (WARREN, MENINO), GETTY (ORTIZ, WINKLEVOSSES, BULGER, CASEY AFFLECK), TACO BELL (WAHLBERG), ZACK SNYDER ON TWITTER (BEN AFFLECK AS BATMAN), AND BY REGINA MOGILEVSKAYA FOR BOSTON MAGAZINE (DROPKICK).

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  • snake hole

    im a little sick of this “slytherins are evil” bullshit tbh

  • soma1336

    You didn’t include Amanda Palmer?! Or Haahvard? I don’t know, I guess any list is going to leave someone out. I feel like Mark Zuckerburg was a Slytherin, sure he was smart but Facebook exists because he was ambitious. Everyone else though was SPOT ON. well done.

  • Amy Li

    Wait, so suddenly Jacoby Ellsbury is both “loyal and true” ?!!! Hmm…. Let’s think about that one.

    Carry on.

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  • Meg

    Amy Poehler not in Gryffindor and The Dropkicks in the same house as actual murders?

  • http://sunspotdesigns.com Columbine Phoenix

    That hat’s got moths or something! Romney in HUFFLEPUFF? Pack him up and send him back to Slytherin where he belongs.