Culture Snob: Jacoby Ellsbury vs. Coco Crisp
It’s time again for Dan Morrell’s Culture Snob, wherein our correspondent sizes up public figures based on their cultural preferences. This week we break down the battle for center field.
With everyone ready to cast Coco Crisp aside in favor of their shiny new toy, it’s time to evaluate these two using more serious criteria. Because no one is going to jump a stranger for a team with a starting centerfielder who has awful taste in music.
Movies
Ellsbury: Gladiator, Troy, Dumb and Dumber
Coco: Saturday Night Fever, Mr. Baseball
Winner: Draw
I’ll skip the obvious “Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?” joke, and get right to the Dumb and Dumber pick. Outside of adolescence, it is generally unacceptable for this, or any other film with an extensive laxative gag, to be anyone’s favorite film. Crisp would win with Saturday Night Fever (Travolta was nominated for an Academy Award), but the fact that he has apparently watched Mr. Baseball “about a hundred times” ties this up.
Can’t you just see Coco trying in vain to work Tom Selleck quotes into social situations? Awkward.
Music
Ellsbury: “Everything from country to Tupac and 50 Cent”
Coco: West Coast Hip-Hop
Winner: Coco
This was close, but the shock of hearing “Chattahoochee” followed by “Holla If Ya Hear Me”, on a mix CD has to be considered. And yeah, Crisp recorded a “clean” song for an MLB charity CD that contains the line “I play the center like Kareem/and I like it when the crowd screams.” But the website for his record company says that their music sounds like “Colombian BAM BAM!” which goes a long way to make up for adding to an ever-growing heap of crap.
Endorsements:
Crisp: Hood dairy, Cocoa Krispies,
Winner: Coco
Whereas Ellsbury’s endorsements compete—one making you possibly less healthy and the other possibly more—Crisp’s work in perfect unison. He isn’t just playing baseball, he is building a brand. And while Ellsbury is busy posing for Vogue, Crisp is preaching the dairy bible to the children.
Winner: Coco Crisp
Beating the first ever Navajo Mormon in the majors in a culture battle? It comes down to this: We know what Coco Crisp is, but with Ellsbury, we have an enigma who can follow up a delicious Navajo frybread with a trip to the Olive Garden, and that’s just too unpredictable to rest a pennant run on.
—DAN MORRELL
April 17th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
I just wasted my time reading this article. I don’t know why you’re allowed to write such nonsense for this site. It’s not funny or amusing.
April 17th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
Catherine, you stink… This was great stuff… well done Daniel
April 17th, 2008 at 7:20 pm
I agree with Catherine. You should place the comments section before the article so people won’t waste their time reading crap like this
April 18th, 2008 at 12:15 am
Catherine, I’ve been looking for something funny, amusing and sensical to read and haven’t had much luck. Please advise.
Steve, tell me more about those Ann Rice discussions you and Catherine and other viola teachers have been having at the weekly book club meetings.
Dan, keep this between you and me, but… I think Catherine is menapausal and Steve is about to lose that big account at work. Don’t take it personally. Keep the good stuff coming.
April 18th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Dear Pat,
Your comment is the funniest, most amusing thing I’ve read all day! Boston Magazine should hire you and can Dan–cause his writing sucks. Can’t wait for your reply.
Sincerely,
Catherine
April 21st, 2008 at 10:46 am
hmmm…
i was on the fence until i read franco’s point-of-view, which (as i learned a long time and many c-saws ago) is never right. so, thumbs down, dannyboy. Pat, sorry to hear you’re on Franco’s team; Catherine, you’ll just have to start wearing layers; Steve, not sure if i know you but good luck with everything.