Dear Globe,

Hello there, friends. Boston Daily here. We were a little confused when we picked up our copy of the paper today. On the front page, you have an article titled “Massachusetts, land of twins.”

We hadn’t had our coffee yet, so you’ll have to forgive us for thinking we’d picked up a copy of this month’s issue of Boston magazine and were reading Julie Suratt’s story titled “Double Trouble.”

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When it’s not busy making us drowsy, the Globe appears to have named itself steward of the English language. Back in April, the paper editorialized about a study that reveals that kids these days don’t understand standard English because they communicate mainly in text shorthand by writing their opinion in the same pseudo-language. Kind of silly, if you ask us.

Today, the Globe reports that rumors of English’s death have been greatly exaggerated.

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If the ease with which we got a seat on the T these past few days is any indication, many of you elected to take a couple of days off to extend your long Memorial Day weekend. Even some teenagers are taking advantage of the nice weather to skip school and walk along Newbury Street, play Guitar Hero with the windows open, or whatever it is the kids do these days.

But we’d like to remind you high schoolers out there that there’s a right and a wrong way to play hooky, as 14-year-old Alexus Clarke helpfully demonstrated yesterday.

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While we here in America are wondering if the internet will kill print journalism, people in Japan are wondering whether text messaging will destroy the novel. In the Land of the Rising Sun, half of last year’s bestselling novels were originally cellphone novels, originally composed in text message format.

We thought the Boston Police Department was incredibly forward-thinking when we skimmed over this announcement for its “Text For Peace” contest. Alas, the BPD didn’t lift the idea and is sticking with the tried-but-true poster contest.

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We have fond memories of our first summer jobs. Back before we had rent or credit card debt, we could spend the money we earned herding elementary school kids on CD’s and gas that cost 99 cents a gallon. Those were the days.

So we were sad to read that Boston’s teenagers may not get the opportunity to earn some cash this summer. The agency in charge of the program that gets kids off the streets and into entry-level jobs at some of the city’s biggest companies says it only has enough money to fund 500 jobs for an estimated 4,000 kids who want them.

But rest easy, kids. We’ve got a solution.

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Parents these days are busy. Whether they’re working to pass Proposition 2 1/2 overrides or forcing their kids to give up their birthday presents for charity, it’s hard to fit in the mundane tasks of raising a child. Which is why etiquette classes for kids are becoming wildly popular.

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When I was a kid, I was grateful that I was born in July. My friends were on summer vacation, so they could always come to my birthday party. Not only that, but it was the perfect opportunity to stock up on Barbies and Christopher Pike novels to hold me over until Christmas.

But today’s kids aren’t able to take advantage of this since their parents are forcing them to give up birthday presents.

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Kids these days are fat. The Globe reports on a Newton-based company that hopes to change children’s eating habits by involving parents in revamping their diet and levels of physical activity.

But some parents are already leading by example. Instead of holding bake sales, a parent-teacher group in that town is raising money for programs by auctioning off pole dancing lessons.

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David McCullough’s granddaughters were livid. The five girls stood in a quiet corner near the red carpet for Boston premiere of John Adams, a seven-part miniseries that debuts on HBO on Sunday, and watched their grandfather talk to reporters.

“He can’t even talk to his own grandkids!” One complained.

“It just hurts my feelings!” Another said dramatically.

But even the slighted granddaughters stopped their conversation to watch as co-executive producer Tom Hanks entered the McKim Building.

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Whether it’s talking about death or an uncomfortable conversation about sexuality, no adult enjoys distilling big issues in a way children can understand. Aside from the dangers of Chuck E. Cheese, it’s one of the worst parts of parenthood.

In the aftermath of the clergy abuse scandal, it’s also become an unfortunate aspect of running a church. The Archdiocese of Boston is pressuring 16 hesitant parishes to teach their youngest members about inappropriate touching.

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