Carmen “the Cheeseman” DiNunzio is rather large. The Herald has reveled in the reputed mobster’s grossly obese physique, and reports today that DiNunzio’s pulmonary physician has asked the feds to let his 400 pound client out of his East Boston apartment for two hours a day so he can work on his fitness.

Dr. Aaron B. Waxman says in federal court papers DiNunzio, 51, “is on a strict weight loss program because of diabetes and heart failure[.]”

Somehow, we don’t think a membership to Bally’s is going to solve this dire situation. What DiNunzio needs is a stint on The Biggest Loser.

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When we learned that American Idol was going to have Neil Diamond night, we were immediately afraid that one of the contestants would ruin “Sweet Caroline.” Would David Cook put his trademark emo rocker twist on it? Perhaps Brooke White would turn it into a sad piano ballad.

But it was precocious David Archuleta who desecrated the Red Sox’s eighth inning anthem.

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We don’t reap the benefits of being a two-newspaper town only when it comes to the MBTA cutting bus trips or when a convicted murderer is upset her sex change hormones have been withheld. It also matters on stories that should be puff pieces.

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition is in Maynard this week, building a handicapped-accessible home for a man who nearly died in a car accident and has been unable to live in his home since. The Globe tells us that everything is moving along swimmingly, while the Herald digs up some dirt on one of the project’s volunteers.

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During these tough economic times, it’s hard to keep yourself in the fur and Cristal you’ve been accustomed to in the past. Even with the “big” tax refund that could be coming our way this spring, we fear that we won’t be able to make our annual visit San Tropez.

If you can’t stand this fate, you’re in luck. P. Diddy is looking for a new assistant.

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The writer’s strike has brought out the worst in television. When American Gladiators emerged from its grave to wreak spandex-clad havoc in our households again, you know the networks are desperate. Things are so bad that many are looking to tonight’s debut of the seventh season of American Idol to save television. Despite such lofty claims, we’re still not sure if American Idol will be the best reality show on TV tonight.

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As consumers, we’re all pretty much used to disclaimers: On contests (void were prohibited), McDonald’s coffee cups (here, and less authentically, here) and pharmaceutical ads (that thing about four hour erections). Still, a press release we just got for an open casting call for NBC’s reality show, The Biggest Loser, caught us a bit off guard.

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