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God, this week is depressing: First there was the cyclone in Myanmar, then the earthquake in China, and now two baby bears have been orphaned after a motorcyclist killed their mother. Somebody hold us. [WBZ]

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As the Beastie Boys once said, you gotta fight, for your right, to paaaaar-tay: A Watertown man was arrested for allegedly trashing his friends’ Cambridge apartment after they told him he’d had too much to drink. [Cambridge Chronicle]

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What’s wrong with the Patriots cheerleaders, Matt? Mike Reiss’ excellent liveblog of today’s meeting between NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell and former Patriots employee Matt Walsh includes the revelation that Walsh was videotaping the San Diego Chargers’ cheerleaders. Why do that when our boys have women like Meghan White to cheer them on? [Boston.com]

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You can now feel more confident that you’ll get help when you call 9-1-1: The Boston Police Department says the glitch that caused officers to respond to the wrong address for a report of a homicide has been fixed. Now all you have to worry about is making it clear you have an actual emergency when speaking to a dispatcher. [Boston.com]

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Back to normal in Allston: Things are clearing up after a massive accident that shut down Commonwealth Avenue and the B Line this morning. Part of Brighton Avenue is still closed, but Comm. Ave. is open to traffic and the Green Line is creeping along at its usual glacial pace once more. [Boston.com]

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One could even say they’re all lit up: Smokers are upset with the state’s plan to hike the cigarette tax by $1 per pack. One pro-smoking activist calls the plan “a very cowardly way to balance the state’s budget on the backs of a vilified minority[.]” [BostonHerald.com]

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Dude, if you’re going to be a successful politician you have to keep that stuff under wraps: Gary Dodds, the former New Hampshire congressional candidate who faked his disappearance to drum up support for his campaign, was arrested again this morning for violating the terms of his parole and allegedly beating his wife. And he’s not even running for office this time around! [WBZ]

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Clemens apologizes for being Clemens. Or something: Former Red Sox pitcher Roger Clemens apologized today for “mistakes in [his] personal life.” Whether that refers to forgetting to fold the laundry this morning or having relations with a 15-year-old girl remains a mystery. [Boston.com]

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Sal should really be cringing when an unknown call comes in now: The chairman of the Massachusetts Republican Party has called on Attorney General Martha Coakley to investigate House Speaker Sal DiMasi’s ties to pseudo-lobbyist Richard Vitale. [Boston.com]

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Not only is he (allegedly) a steroid user and philanderer: But Roger Clemens is also a bad tipper. Horrors! [Herald]

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