Your condensed guide to today’s daily papers.

We didn’t realize hell had frozen over: Local officials are seriously discussing the merits of the “energy policy” Paris Hilton laid out in a satirical web video. [Herald]

A close shave: Gillette’s parent company has announced it will close its plant at Fort Devens and will lay off 215 employees at the razor-maker’s Southie headquarters. [Globe]

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Your condensed guide to today’s daily papers.

We’ll pay cash, thanks: Eleven people from around the world were indicted in Boston yesterday on charges they stole 41 million credit and debit card numbers. [Globe]

Was the man without an identity moved to kill? A sci-fi geek love triangle may have moved a man named Christopher Crowe Mountbatten Chichester to kill a California man in the ’80s. Officials say it might be yet another alias used by alleged kidnapper Clark Rockefeller. [Herald]

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Your condensed guide to today’s daily papers.

The house loses its advantage: Mohegan Sun and Foxwoods both reported their first-ever year-over-year decline in slot machine revenue. The casinos lost about $76 million, which is even more than the fortune we lost during our last trip to Connecticut. [Herald]

Speaking of taking a loss: Massachusetts’ pension fund posted a 1.8 percent loss in the 2008 fiscal year, but still managed to finish in the top tier of public pension funds because other states lost even more money. Sucks to be you, New Mexico! [Globe]

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Your condensed guide to today’s daily papers.

Better stock up on sweaters: The dismal news about the cost of home heating oil continues as Labor Day Weekend creeps closer. [Globe]

And those of you with fireplaces shouldn’t get too smug: Some New England states are having trouble meeting the demand for firewood. [Globe]

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Your condensed guide to today’s daily papers.

No toll hikes on the Pike. For now: The House and Senate approved a bill that will have the state back more than $1 billion of the Turnpike Authority’s $2.4 billion debt. [Globe]

Taking it to the Internet: Boston Police have posted a video from the mother of Reigh Boss, pleading with the girl’s father to bring her back home. [Herald]

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Your condensed guide to today’s daily papers.

One kidnapper is found: Alleged killer and kidnapper Rodlyn Petitbois was found in Brooklyn last night, along with his four children and their mother. [Globe]

While Mr. Crockafeller is still at large: Having a yacht, untraceable gold bullion, and no discernible identity really makes staying incognito easier, doesn’t it? [Herald]

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Your condensed guide to today’s daily papers.

Seriously, you guys, knock it off: House Speaker Sal DiMasi has warned Reps. Robert DeLeo and John Rogers to stop maneuvering to succeed him. It feels like DiMasi has to issue these warnings about once a month. [Herald]

Which is about how often we find another connection between King Sal and Cognos: DiMasi’s law associate was working for the software firm as the state was negotiating huge contracts with the company, and Sal’s former personal accountant was hired by a Cognos sales rep during the talks. [Globe]

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Your condensed guide to today’s daily papers.

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t: As Bay State motorists cut back on driving, the state isn’t earning as much money off the gas tax, which in turn leaves less funds to fix the Smart Car-swallowing potholes. [Globe]

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Your condensed guide to today’s paper.

T Breaks Record: Nearly 375 million people took the T in fiscal year 2008. How many is that, Dan Grabauskus? “Many tons of people.” No wonder the Red Line crawls over the Longfellow. [Globe]

Sad, Sad, Sad: A 7-year-old girl has gone missing after a supervised visit with her dad in the Back Bay. In true tabloid fashion, the Herald says that a “valiant social worker” tried to save the blond-haired beauty.  [Herald]

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Your condensed guide to today’s daily papers.

We’ve got a new goal in life: To become a sign-hanger for the Turnpike Authority, then finagle our way into a cushy early retirement and lifetime health insurance benefits. [Globe]

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