Maybe They’ll Spend It On Streamers

Fear not friends, there is peace once again on Harvard Yard. After a tumultuous start to the year, where the university decided to stop providing funds for undergraduates to purchase alcohol—how dare they!—and the undergraduates rebelled like never before—For Fair Harvard, loyal classmen!—an accord has finally been reached.

It all started, you see, when Interim Dean of the College David Pilbeam decided to suspend the school’s “party grant,” program, for fear that the money being funneled to students to throw parties was just being used to buy booze to funnel for underage drinkers.

The Undergraduate Council, the school’s student government, decided that this essentially amounted to a crime against humanity, and determined to continue funding the party grants with their own treasury reserves. Which led Pilbeam to freeze any additional funding to the council. Which led to a lot of other boring discussions and compromises that could only be thought up by the people who actually participate in student government.

Anyway, after all that rigmarole comes today’s compromise. Pilbeam has, for the remainder of the term at least, agreed to reinstate the party grant system as long as the money is not used to purchase alcohol. Fair enough, we assume this money will now be allocated to other necessary party expenses. Like party cups and mixers and if there’s extra cash, maybe even a new beer-pong table.

Further, to ensure that nobody under 21 is served alcohol at these parties, Harvard has also agreed to fund 10 Beverage Authorization Teams to monitor the festivities. Yes, “Beverage Authorization Teams” will be monitoring the use of “party grants.” You read that right. This is really a stunning use of supposedly the finest minds in our country.