You’re Too Poor to Buy a Boston Sports Team

Associated Press

Sorry to break the news, but you are, decidedly, much too poor to buy a Boston sports team. Maybe you’re thinking it would be a good investment—make your money working for you, see a few more games every year, etc.—and you might be right. But you’re probably going to have to look outside Boston.

Forbes just released its annual list of the world’s 50 most valuable sports teams, and once again, little old Boston proves that when it comes to professional sports, we have reached world-class city status. The New England Patriots come in at No. 8 on the list, valued by Forbes at $2.5 billion. They’re the second NFL franchise, behind the Dallas Cowboys. (Winning and having financial value apparently don’t correlate directly.)

The Red Sox are no. 11 behind the New York Yankees (who, at No. 4, are the most valuable American franchise overall) and the L.A. Dodgers. Forbes notes that the Sox’s value was helped by a World Series win that fueled a rise in NESN’s TV ratings. And hey, the latest streak of wins suggests they might not totally blow that momentum this season after all.

Finally, the Boston Celtics are at No. 45, valued at $875 million. The Celts didn’t make last year’s list, but the magazine points to the team’s savings in trading Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, and Jason Terry and releasing Doc Rivers from his contract.

The list, as usual, is dominated by football. The top three teams are soccer clubs. And 30 of the 50 entries are NFL teams. So really, you’re probably best off investing in hockey. In 2013, Forbes estimated the Boston Bruins’ value at $600 million so if you’ve got that lying around, maybe hockey is your thing. Also, soccer seems to have paid off pretty handsomely for Europe, dominating the top of this list. And the World Cup fanaticism around here suggested America might finally decide to pay attention to the sport. (Key investment rule: When Ann Coulter starts calling something a sign of America’s decline, you know it has caught on.) The New England Revolution will only cost you a cool $89 million, Forbes says. And this magazine has argued it could use better leadership, anyway. Maybe go that route.

Still a little pricey? It’s true. You could just buy gold from a late night infomercial. Because really, why mess with tradition?