Six Listicles About the Less-Important Things That Happened Last Year
The important work of year-in-reviewing 2013 is already done. Luckily for you, I’ve come up with these not-so-useful lists.
Last year was ridiculously jam-packed for those of us in the greater Boston area, and others have done the tough job of compiling year-end wrap-ups and retrospectives. I’d just like to add a few useless little listicles of the somewhat less important things that you might have forgotten about.
A caveat: I put these together mostly by scanning my 2013 tweets, so inclusion or omission is pretty much random. Feel free to remind me of anything you think I overlooked. Rankings are entirely subjective, and should not be used as the basis of wagering.
Eight Best Political Promotions
1. Marty Walsh, Mayor of Boston
2. John Kerry, US Secretary of State
3. Ed Markey, US Senator
4. Steve Tompkins, Suffolk County Sheriff
5. Marian Ryan, Middlesex County District Attorney
6. Katherine Clark, US Congress
7. Gina McCarthy, US Environmental Protection Agency Administrator
8. Linda Dorcena Forry, State Senator
Nine Best People—Actually, Eight People And One Animal—Inadvertently In The News In 2013
1. Driver hijacked by marathon bombers. Tracked down and interviewed (giving his first name only) by the Globe, “Danny” was the picture of fear mixed with courage in the midst of almost surreal danger—a perfect stand-in for us all.
2. The wrong Marty Walsh. Received calls from top national Dems, including Joe Biden, when the other Marty Walsh won the mayoral election. Awesome.
3. Cop celebrating in Red Sox bullpen. Caught throwing his arms up and cheering the amazing David Ortiz post-season home run, as the diving opponent flips ass-over-ear into the bullpen. Beauty.
4. Homeless guy who returned a ton of money. He found, and turned in, more than $40,000 in cash and travelers checks. And then people sent him far more than that in appreciation. Win-win-win.
5. Whitey witness murdered for unrelated reasons. Nobody would have ever reported that somebody poisoned this guy’s Dunkin’ Donuts, except that it happened, coincidentally, right before he testified in the trial of the century.
6. Dennis Lehane’s lost dog. He was a regular lost dog just like any other lost dog, except that it was Brookline and his owner was freakin’ Dennis Lehane, so it was like an epic saga of lost-dogness.
7. Sleepy Whitey juror. The trial was riveting to everybody in town except this one guy, who happened to have a daily seat in view of all the live-tweeting reporters.
8. Naked Watertown guy caught up in the bomber manhunt. Ordered to lie prone on the street with his hands behind his back while half the state’s law enforcement trained their weapons on him and media strained to get a clear shot of his face; he turned out to be just a regular naked guy just like any other naked guy, except that it was Watertown and there was a bomber on the loose.
9. Boston Anthony Weiner. A little unfair, because he wasn’t actually running for mayor and he wasn’t the one texting nasty things, but his name really was Anthony Weiner and he really was involved in a sexting scandal, so there was no way he wasn’t getting his 15 minutes of fame.
Four Excellent Political Babies
1. Mary Katherine “MaryKate” Connolly. Father: city councilor/mayoral candidate John Connolly.
2. Mila Chang-Diaz. Mother: state senator Sonia Chang-Diaz.
3. Jeremiah Fidalgo Barros. Father: mayoral candidate John Barros.
4. Gianluca Noah Patrick Morgese. Grandfather: Governor Deval Patrick.
Seven Best Nicknames Given By Me To Local Politicians on Twitter
1. Johnnolly (John Connolly)
2. CharGo (Charlotte Golar Richie)
3. Danley Do-Right (Dan Conley)
4. CharLito. (Running-mates Charlie Baker and Karyn Polito)
5. Gabs. (Gabriel Gomez)
6. Marxey. (Ed Markey)
7. Rondo Robbie. (Rob Consalvo)
Nine Terms, Phrases, Or Pocket Tweets I’d Be Fine Leaving Behind In 2013
1. Shelter in place. That thing we did while they tried to catch the bomber.
2. Obstruction rule. You’ve blocked it from your mind, but it cost the Red Sox Game 3 of the World Series, and at the time it seemed like potentially the end of the run.
3. Bqhatevwr. Tweeted, possibly with the assistance of alcohol, by former United States Senator Scott Brown.
4. What does #YOLO mean to you? Oh, Tufts.
5. Easements. For the life of me I cannot explain why, but this was at one time the major issue of the campaign for United States Senate in the great Commonwealth of Massachusetts.
6. SoBo. Oh, New York.
7. Pond scum. Funny when Diane uses it to describe the loser fiance of Coach’s daughter on Cheers. Not so much when a major-party nominee for United States Senate uses it to describe his opponent, a sitting Congressman.
8. Nemo. The horrendous storm from January 2013. Since when do we name snowstorms anyway?
9. Our bleeping city. Papi’s original, spontaneous, uncensored version was awesome; he later used, a little too often, this self-censored version.
25 Most Important Announcements Of Not Running For Office
1. Tim Murray, Governor
2. Scott Brown, US Senate
3. Scott Brown, Governor
4. Mike Capuano, US Senate
5. William Galvin, Attorney General
6. Sonia Chang-Diaz, Mayor of Boston
7. Andrea Cabral, Mayor of Boston
8. Mike Capuano, Governor
9. Tito Jackson, Mayor of Boston
10. Steve Lynch, Mayor of Boston
11. Ayanna Pressley, Mayor of Boston
12. Joe Curtatone, Governor
13. Ben Downing, US Senate
14. Bill Weld, US Senate
15. Kathi-Anne Reinstein, US Congress
16. Michael Flaherty, state senate
17. Kerry Healey, US Senate
18. Bruce Tarr, US Senate
19. Jen Caissie, US Senate
20. Sean Bielat, US Senate
21. Elizabeth Warren, President
22. Beth Lindstrom, Lieutenant Governor
23. Sam Sutter, Attorney General
24. Keith Ablow, US Senate
25. Tagg Romney, US Senate