The Experts

By Erin Graham

It’s easy to get married…and a heck of a lot harder to stay that way. Things that annoyed you about your fiancé during your courtship will drive you bonkers when they’re repeated every day for 30 years. We hear from three local couples as they discuss what it takes to create a lasting affair—from watching your spouse sleep to scheduling romantic getaways sans children.

The Couples:

Needham couple Patricia and John Stegelmann, married 31 years, met in 1972 when John was on leave from naval duty in Vietnam.

Married 33 years, Sarina and Allan Steinmetz of Newton met when he was a 20-year-old youth group counselor and she was a 16-year-old camper. Two years later, they reunited at a wedding—and six days later, they were engaged.

Sixty-six years ago, Beverly and Bill Franklin of Brookline had a huge wedding, mainly to please her parents. When the attack on Pearl Harbor took place a few months later, the newlyweds found a greater appreciation for the grand ceremony they’d shared with friends and family.

What’s the biggest difference between today’s relationships and those in the era in which you were married?

Sarina: Communication isn’t a problem for young couples these days—they talk and talk—so that’s fabulous. But even if your communication is down pat, you still have to have 100 percent commitment to the marriage. You can try to define your roles and responsibilities, but over a lifetime, it all changes. You need to trust that sometimes one of you will give 70 percent and the other 30 percent. You pick up each other’s slack.

Beverly: It sounds crazy, but in our generation, sexual freedom came with getting married. That gave an aura of wonder to our marriage. Also, we were lucky in that society allowed us both to fill roles that worked for the whole family. I had a great sisterhood of friends, and we all had kids while our husbands were developing their futures. None of us had to compromise. That’s not the case now.

What’s your secret to a successful marriage?

Bill: I don’t think our marriage has been hard work. It just came naturally. We’ve enjoyed each one of our three children, 10 grandchildren, and seven great-grandchildren. We still like to try new things and take classes together.

Beverly: We have different personalities, but we hate to fight. Instead, we talk to each other about it before anger takes over.

Allan: We aren’t selfish, and we go out of our way to make the other person happy. Just this morning, Sarina brought me the paper in bed—it’s the little things that count most.

Sarina: We said to each other that we would never use the “D word.” So it’s never even been an option.

John: We don’t take the other for granted. Since I saw a different side of life in Vietnam, I’ve been able to realize how good I have it. It’s what you do with your experiences that make you what you are.

Pat: Honesty is absolutely key, and we’re not embarrassed to share what we think, even if it’s silly or shallow.

Okay, last question: What’s your advice for a couple about to get married?

Bill: Treat each other with kindness.

Beverly: Be prepared to make accommodations and let one another know when you’re upset. You need to find ways to express disagreement without getting angry.

Allan: Take vacations. And remember that at the end of the day, there’s a love between the two of you. There are always challenges like children, jobs, health, finances—roll with the punches and separate life’s challenges from your marriage.

Sarina: Surround yourself with people who are also happily married. And make a point of looking at your spouse when they’re sleeping in the morning. That’s the person you fell in love with.

Pat: You have to have a lot of patience and acceptance. Put your spouse first.

John: Pat used an expression as each big new change came along: She said we were entering “the new normal.” You’ll have so many stresses with new jobs and each new child. But just take a deep breath and deal with the issues at hand—and recognize that you’re just in a new normal. And in two or three years, there will be another new normal. My advice is to not look back.

Keep It In The Family
The couples’ children and grandchildren weigh in on what they learned from their relationships

“Show affection. My parents still flirt all the time. And they never come or go without a kiss.” Brenna Fisk, the Stegelmanns’ daughter

“My grandparents have always enjoyed sitting in their respective living room chairs and reading to themselves, but when an article or line of prose excites one of them, they make sure to put their section of the paper down so they can listen and really hear what the other person is saying.” Emily Franklin, the Franklins’ granddaughter

“I see a lot of parents who get too caught up in what their kids are doing. My parents focused on their relationship, and we learned from their example. [When the children leave the nest] you don’t want to be two strangers living together in a house.” Zev Steinmetz, Sarina and Allan’s son

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