City Journal: Boston’s Funniest Home Videos!

It was big trouble for Mitt Romney this winter when a clip from his ’94 Senate run showed the smiley candidate making nice about how well he’d treat gays. But that skeleton outed from the closet of the GOP charmer isn’t the only goofy, shameful, and/or just plain weird video that some prominent Bostonians probably wish weren’t kicking around the Interweb.

Featured Video: Marky Mark comes clean on Arsenio’s couch, 1993
How to Find It:
YouTube search: “Marky” and “Arsenio”
What Happens: Mark Wahlberg, who was just a punk underwear model and lame rapper at the time, sets the record straight on how and when he lost his virginity.
Strangest Statement: Arsenio’s frank interest in Wahlberg’s sexual proclivities is cringe-tastic, but doesn’t compare to Marky Mark’s odd fib about how old he was the first time: “I used to tell everybody I was about nine.” Eew.
Unanswered Questions: Who would think that a nine-year-old’s losing his virginity is impressive? Equally creepy is the way Wahlberg’s “tender” story of his sexual exploits as a 16-year-old elicits screeches of teen desire from Arsenio and his audience.

Featured Video: Ernie Boch Jr. gets potty-mouthed, 2006
How to Find It:
Google Video search: “Ernie Boch Jr!” and
“jam out”
What Happens: A couple of ditzes in their underwear lead a bizarre romp through Boch’s airplane hangar and its bathroom. Drummer Sib Hashian of the band Boston is also featured.
Strangest Statement: Boch cracks off-color jokes left and right, hyping the “Come on Down” undies he’s peddling for charity and, later, dissing the manhood of Boston actor and Showtime star Kevin Chapman.
Unanswered Questions: Once and for all, what’s with the toilets? Boch’s much talked-about obsession with high-tech commodes is on full display as he waxes nonsensical on the merits of his stools. Forget the plane and the cars—check out my porcelain thrones!

Featured Video: Ben Affleck meets (ahem) the press, 2004
How to Find It:
YouTube search: “Affleck” and “shovenist” (sic)
What Happens: An interview to promote Jersey Girl has a meathead-y Affleck getting uncomfortably comfortable with Canadian TV vixen Anne-Marie Losique.
Strangest Statement: There’s lecherous quips aplenty (delivered in a faux Quebeçois accent, no less), but the strangest may be when Affleck—smitten with the scent of Losique’s perfume—sings, “This is the smell of my life.”
Unanswered Questions: How the hell did the press not like Jersey Girl after being treated to footage like this? Perhaps the touchy-feely-fest was a clever ploy: Steer attention away from that J.Lo breakup by chitchatting about the breasts and bras of reporters instead.

Featured Video: barney frank launches soap-operatic spat, 2007
How to Find It:
YouTube search: “Frank” and “fit”
What Happens: Itchin’ for a throwdown, a short-fused Frank turns a discussion about corporate compensation into a chance to go spastic on Fox News’ Neil Cavuto.
Strangest Statement: With things at their testiest, a seemingly baffled and apparently wounded Cavuto wonders, “By the way, Congressman, is it always incumbent upon you to be so condescending?”
Unanswered Questions: What’s the backstory here? Frank wades in with his jabs as though he’s simmering over an old quarrel, and Cavuto lashes back about how he’s always getting his feelings hurt. Come on, guys, let’s talk this out.

Featured Video: Daisuke Matsuzaka hits Fenway, John Henry hits turf, 2006
How to Find It:
YouTube search: “Matsuzaka” and “introduce”
What Happens: Sox owner John Henry insists his new hurler join him for a photo-op toss. The impromptu game ends with Henry’s tumbling to his keister with all the grace of a newborn deer.
Strangest Statement: It doesn’t appear on the video, but somewhere someone with a plan must’ve said, “Hey, I know—let’s have the new guy, who chucks 95-mile-an-hour strikes, throw a little with the boss.” Yeah, great idea!
Unanswered Questions: Why couldn’t the Sox fly backstop Jason Varitek in for the afternoon? Give him the same treatment they gave Doug Mirabelli last season (private plane, police escort, freshly pressed uniform waiting in the back seat) so that someone could actually catch Dice-K’s first pitch in Fenway…