If Boston Were Hogwarts from Harry Potter
J.K. Rowling, the incredibly famous author of the Harry Potter series, released a short story this week—actually, a fictional gossip column—updating Potter fans on the whereabouts of the beloved characters since the conclusion of Deathly Hallows. In light of this miraculous occasion, Entertainment Weekly painstakingly sorted 150 celebrities into Hogwarts houses, but they had some issues (Ryan Seacrest in Ravenclaw? Is that a joke?).
So now we’re here to do the same thing, but we’re here to do it better. And by better, I mean our good ol’ Boston try. We’ve even chosen prefects (two house leaders—one male, one female), and a housemaster.
Below are Boston’s finest people, places, and things sorted into Slytherin, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Gryffindor. Don’t worry, I solemnly swear I’m up to no good.
Slytherins tend to be ambitious, shrewd, cunning, and strong leaders, as well as achievement-oriented. Slytherins have a reputation for having ill intentions, but this is not always true.
The Winklevoss Twins
Because they almost singlehandedly took down Facebook.
Because anyone who can play Ryan Howard for eight years must be truly twisted.
Linda Dorcena Forry
Because nobody f*cks with Linda.
The Dropkick Murphys
The MBTA Green Line
Ted the movie
The Boston Strangler
The cast of Southie Rules
The producers of Southie Rules
People in Hufflepuff are hardworking, friendly, loyal, honest, and rather impartial. Hufflepuffs are modest and not competitive.
Because nobody actually knew what he was doing here.
Because for a living, he sings one song every day for part of the year.
Because she tweets vague things like this.
The Funky Bunch
Taylor Swift’s Rhode Island beach house
Wally the Green Monster
The “Matty in the Morning” show
The Boston Tickler
Johnny Depp as Whitey Bulger
Ravenclaws are academically ambitious and value learning, intellect, wit, and wisdom. Ravenclaws are often quirky and unusual.
Because she’s a kick-ass senator in a kick-ass pantsuit.
Because he is wicked smart and not real, like most people in Ravenclaw.
Because she’s a Dartmouth grad turned sassy comedienne who also told Harvard Law that she “sues everybody.”
The South End
Gov. Deval Patrick
John F. Kennedy
The Wicked Tuna captains
Gryffindors emphasize the trait of courage. Often they are daring, chivalrous, and brave, but can also be reckless and hot-headed.
Because he left behind a legacy.
Because nobody is more hot-headed in the most stereotypically Boston way.
Because Tami Taylor is a freakin’ SAINT.
Curt Schilling’s bloody sock
The North End
PHOTOS VIA SHUTTERSTOCK (BEN AFFLECK, KALING, POEHLER, SLATE, TYLER), WIKIMEDIA COMMONS (GOOD WILL HUNTING, CAPTAIN AMERICA, ROMNEY, LENO, VALENTINE, WALLY), AP (WARREN, MENINO), GETTY (ORTIZ, WINKLEVOSSES, BULGER, CASEY AFFLECK), TACO BELL (WAHLBERG), ZACK SNYDER ON TWITTER (BEN AFFLECK AS BATMAN), AND BY REGINA MOGILEVSKAYA FOR BOSTON MAGAZINE (DROPKICK).