Elizabeth Warren Wants to Be a Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher
Yesterday brought the momentous news that J.K. Rowling’s American wizarding school is located on Mount Greylock in Massachusetts. While we’re pleased to see the Bay State play such a big role in the upcoming Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them universe, we’re a little concerned about Elizabeth Warren’s desire to become a teacher there.
— Elizabeth Warren (@elizabethforma) June 29, 2016
While she’s shown an admirable willingness to apply for thankless jobs in the past, we’re not sure this is one she should go for. Let’s do a brief review of what happened to Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers at Hogwarts, shall we?
- Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s/Philosopher’s Stone, Professor Quirinus Quirrell: Voldemort took over the back of his head. Bad for hairdo reasons, also dies in battle with an eleven-year-old.
- Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Professor Gilderoy Lockhart: Uses a broken wand to cast a memory spell, which backfires, wiping his own memory clean. Last seen living at a hospital.
- Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Professor Remus Lupin: Outed as a werewolf, forced to resign in shame, dies in final book, makes everyone cry.
- Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Professor Alastor “Mad-Eye” Moody: Kidnapped before the year has begun, spends entire book trapped in his own luggage. Also dies in Book 7, but everyone is more upset about Harry Potter’s pet owl Hedwig, who dies in the same scene. Upstaged by a bird.
- Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Professor Dolores Umbridge: A racist sadist who tortures Harry. Gets attacked by a group of centaurs, then humiliated when a trio of teenagers steal her magic necklace while she has the protection of being inside one of the wizarding world’s most protected buildings. Doesn’t die, but has terrible decorating tastes that are mocked through multiple books (commemorative cat plates).
- Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, Professor Horace Slughorn: An egotist who helped Voldemort understand the theory behind Horcruxes, the sinister magical devices that keep magic’s greatest monster alive. Somewhat redeemed by helping out in final Hogwarts battle.
In short: Dies, memory wiped, dies, dies, evil, vanity leads to evil. The job goes so poorly that Professor Dumbledore eventually admits to Harry that he thinks the job has been cursed ever since he turned down Voldemort for the gig. Perhaps Senator Warren would be interested in a less ill-fated position? Herbology, Charms, Transfiguration? She’s got a real Professor McGonagall vibe to her. We’re sure that J.K. Rowling herself would agree that you don’t need to be a Defense Against the Dark Arts specialist to fight evil.