Police Blotter Fun

As a public service, we recap the droll commentary and surprisingly stupid criminals that make the crime reports required reading.

If your friends are anything like our friends, they live to see you miserable. They encourage you to take another tequila shot when you’re already unable to see straight, they do that annoying thing where they inch the car forward just as you reach to open your door, and generally try to piss you off.

However, you should be happy that you don’t have Matthew Gilman’s unbeatable friend combination of idiocy, drunkenness, and access to heavy equipment.

On Sunday, Boston Police reported to a call about a fight in (where else) Allston. Upon arriving, officers saw a small group of people standing around the ruins of a car. What happened?

Officers spoke to the victim who stated that an individual, after being dared, jumped into the seat of a steamroller, started it up and, then, drove it into his car. Officers observed minor damage to the bumper of the victim’s car.

Now, we haven’t done a triple-dog-dare since we saw A Christmas Story, but this is the coup de grace of dares. If Gilman were under the age of 10, it might make sense that he agreed to drive a steamroller into a car. Unfortunately, Mr. Gilman is 22, so that explanation won’t work.

In its typically dry manner, the BPD explains Gilman’s behavior:

When speaking to the suspect, officers observed that it appeared the suspect was under the influence of alcohol.

Oh. Now it all makes sense.

And, just as an aside, who leaves a steamroller unattended in Allston on a weekend? We wouldn’t leave a bicycle unattended, never mind a vehicle designed to flatten things.