Kevin Cullen Cries for Help

Maybe we’ve been too hard on Kevin Cullen. Our old friend John Gonzalez took the Globe columnist to task for not doing his job, and we’ve since applied math and psychology to Cullen’s work to make sense of his bewildering columns.

Perhaps we’ve been looking in the wrong place. Instead of scanning his work for insight into Cullen’s state of mind, perhaps we need to look at the phrasing of the signature at the end of his columns.

The majority of Cullen’s columns end with the standard “Kevin Cullen is a Globe columnist. He can be reached at cullen@globe.com.” But when he’s really worked up, the signatures vary from the template.

In his May 29 response to Gonz’s critique, we get this pouty postscript.

Kevin Cullen is a sorry excuse for a Globe columnist. He can be reached at cullen@globe.com, but why anybody would want to reach him is beyond us.

At the end of today’s gem about the history police and UMass(?), the self-deprecation continues.

Kevin Cullen is a moron. Trust us. You don’t want to reach him.

God. He sounds more broken than Clay Buchholz. Won’t someone on Morrissey Boulevard give him a hug?