Down on the Farm

We love minor league baseball and its promotions. Some are more useful than others, however, and a few weeks ago, we got our hands on some promotional baseball cards featuring players from the Pawtucket Red Sox. Now that the kids are here, and throwing no-hitters, we wanted to introduce you to your new favorite players.

Jon Lester, LHP: Boston’s favorite kicker of cancer’s ass, Lester was born in Tacoma, Washington. His hobbies include fishing and hunting, and his favorite TV show is Realtree Roadtrips. No wonder he beat cancer–cancer was scared to death of his deep affection for hunting things. On a lighter note, Lester’s “Favorite Dunkin Donut” is a blueberry muffin.

Manny Delcarmen, RHP: Boston’s own Little Manny, he has been back and forth between Boston and Pawtucket so much he’s financed another bus for Greyhound’s fleet. Like any good Boston boy, Delcarmen says his favorite sports moment was “making my dream come true and pitching at Fenway Park for the Red Sox,” and that his favorite athlete is Pedro Martinez. Delcarmen also enjoys a chocolate glazed donut while watching his favorite movie, “Bad Boys 1 and 2.”

Jacoby Ellsbury, OF: Poor Jacoby Ellsbury doesn’t have any personal information on his promotional baseball card, just a line of statistics. That’s OK. The pre-Cro Magnon-era Johnny Damon-lookalike can get by with his speed and defense, but if you ask us, he looks like a jelly donut man.

Clay Buchholz, RHP: We fell in love with Buchholz after his no-hitter last week, but after reading his baseball card we love him more. His favorite video game is Guitar Hero, his favorite food is pizza, and he has no favorite donut. However, Buchholz’s card says he loves Journey (so do we!) and that his favorite sports memory is “Hitting a walk-off homerun in high school.” Not anymore, kiddo.