Police Blotter Fun

As a public service, we recap the droll commentary and surprisingly stupid criminals that make the crime reports required reading.

Lately, the Boston Police Department has been having a hard time. District Attorney Dan Conley removed MBTA murders from Boston Police detectives’ jurisdiction and gave them to the State Police, and a whole flap has ensued. We come here not to further erode the power of the Boston Police, but to celebrate their ability to write about the adventures of stupid criminals.

Here’s the report:

Red Bull Gives Him Wings

Last night at 10:26pm, officers from District B-3 (Mattapan) responded to a radio call for a larceny in progress at 682 Cummins Highway. On arrival, officers spoke with the victim who stated that an unknown suspect entered the Petro Plus Gas Station and took a Red Bull drink from the fridge and began drinking it. The victim stated that he told the suspect to pay for the drink. The victim stated the suspect replied, “(Explicative) that I ain’t paying.” The victim stated the suspect threw the empty red bull can to the ground and left the premises in an unknown direction of flight.

Now we like the direct manner of the thief, who boldly admitted he wasn’t going to pay for a life-threatening jolt of caffeine as if he was simply sampling grapes at the supermarket. But the best part is the way the title slyly references not only the slogan of the beverage but the flight of the suspect. The last sentence ties up the report with a neat pun. Readers can almost imagine a line drawing of the ballsy criminal flying away from the cops, gleefully enjoying his wings.

Well done, Boston Police. If Conley tries to take BPDNews.com away, we’ll be there with you on the picket lines.