Red Sox Nation Asks the Tough Questions

1191334311Encouraging baseball fans to come out and support their team in public is always a gamble. In less baseball-crazed cities, fans wear a jersey and clap politely for the politicians and players who show up. Here, Rally Monday turned into a display of stupid baseball fans, horny Tina Cervasio fanboys, and the lamest showing by presidential candidates since the Republicans elected to skip the black debates.

1191333881Shortly before 4 p.m., the crowd was fairly small. Hardcore Sox or Dropkick fans lined up as close to the stage as they could get. Chants of “Let’s go Red Sox” and “Yankees suck!” rippled through the crowd as roadies cleaned up after a short musical performance by Betty and Milton Wright. Then Tina Cervasio and Tom Caron took the stage to raucous applause.

“Ti-na! Ti-na! Ti-na!” The deep-voiced chant of the men started as Cervasio smiled flirtatiously back at them. “I love you Tina!” A guy in a Pedrioa shirt yelled toward the stage, while a smattering of women cheered for T.C.

After a brief appearance by Terry Francona, Mayor Tom Menino came out in his Red Sox jacket was greeted by a mix of boos and cheers. He gave his stock “we’ll see you in a few weeks after we win the big sporting event” speech he gives at every rally and was quickly ushered away. Freddy “Boom Boom” Cannon name-dropped every player on the roster during the longest song in the world. When that performance mercifully ended, Tina and Tom introduced the Sox players who were in attendance. Kyle Snyder, Javier Lopez, Clay Buchholz, Jacoby Ellsbury, and Mike Timlin took the stage to wild screaming and applause.

1191334031In a fantastic bit of NESNess, Tina got close to the horn-dogs in the audience to let them ask questions. This is what happens when you pander to the lowest common denominator, NESN. It wasn’t just the fellas, either.

“Who’s your question for?” Tina asked.

“Jacoby. Jacoby, will you marry me?” a girl asked. Tina frowned and moved on as Ellsbury smiled and waved at the shrieking girl.

“What’s your question for the Red Sox players?”

“Uhh. . . We’re gonna win this year, right? WHOO!”

The third time was a charm for Tina, who got a “real” question for Timlin:”What’s your pirate name?” Tina beamed, knowing she got at least one good one.

“My pirate name is secret,” Timlin answered. “If I told you, I’d have to kill all of you.”

Not doubting for a second that Timlin would make good on this “threat,” the Q&A mercifully ended.

After parading out the collection of Red Sox Nation Presidential candidates who bothered to show up for the rally (present: the MySpace kid and Sam Horn. Absent: Big Pupi and Jerry Remy), a musical medley from 1967 started. In the crowd, someone waved a sign that read “Impeach.” (And we haven’t even elected a RSN President yet.)

After a cover of “A Day in the Life” set to one of NESN’s kick-ass video packages that makes fans both cheer and cry, Jonathan Papelbon took the stage. Sadly not in his bubble-butt enhancing Under Armor, Papelbon promised if the Sox win the World Series, he’ll dance all night long. Wild cheers from the easily-led audience erupted as a Jumbotron replayed Papelbon’s victory dance for the crowd.

And with that, it was over. Now that Rally Monday is over, we can all return to our private fretting about the Sox in the playoffs, already in progress.