Shennanigans Will Result in Homework
We love it when judges get sick of meting out the same punishments day after day and get creative. Behold the genius that is Judge Edward Redd. Instead of sentencing seven teenagers who got carried away in the ALCS victory celebrations to community service, Redd assigned them some homework.
From the Herald’s gleeful report:
Seven of yesterday’s suspects were ordered by Redd to write a “five-page essay detailing what they have each learned from the experience of getting arrested and that they provide the court with written verification that their parents are aware that they have been arrested and charged in connection with this incident,” said Suffolk District Attorney’s Office spokesman Jake Wark.
While this punishment is pretty good, we’d love it if Redd released the essays for public critique. The media could use it for stories on Friday’s off day instead of relying on Manny Ramirez to say something mildly controversial. Since that’s not likely, we’re left to only imagine how the essays would sound.
For instance, an Emerson student would probably write:
What did I learn by getting arrested? I learned the cops are a bunch of fascists. I went down to Landsdowne Street after a tourist told me a riot might break out if the Red Sox won. I didn’t go down there to flip cars in celebration of some overpaid jocks. All I wanted was to take pictures for my photography class. That’s it. And then the po-po started telling me I couldn’t take pictures of the crowd. So I kept taking pictures of the SWAT team, and my roommate started filming them arresting me to post on YouTube. By the way, that neanderthal who arrested me broke my camera. You’ll be hearing from my father’s lawyers.
While a Northeastern student would take a different approach:
THE RED SOX ARE GOING TO THE WORLD SERIES, BABY! WHOOO! Can you believe that shit? I’d been drinking since the Pats started kicking the crap out of the Dolphins, so me and my buddies just kept drinking until the Sox game. I swear to God, I didn’t think they’d do it after all those double plays but then Pedrioa the Destroyah just came up to the plate and WHAM. The whole thing was blown right open. So we put on some shoes and went down by Fenway to celebrate, but the cops wouldn’t let us in. And we’re like, “Isn’t this America? We want to go cheer on the Sox, man.” The cop still wouldn’t let us in. So I got all up in his face and did my Papelbon jig and kicked some lady behind me in the gut by accident and he arrested me. Sucked, dude.WATCH OUT, COLORADO. THE STREAK IS OVAH!
Harvard students would try to negotiate:
Getting arrested gave me a valuable opportunity to experience the criminal justice system from the side of the accused, yet I believe this punishment is cruel and unusual. You see, Judge Redd, I am a student at Harvard Law and my course load is already overwhelming. In the past two weeks, I have slept about four hours and subsisted on No-Doze and lattes from Starbucks. Therefore, and I believe there are several precedents to support my claim, this punishment is most unfair and I will appeal your decision.
While MIT students would be happy:
Yes, I got arrested for trying to run past a cop and join in the celebration outside Fenway Park, and I’m deeply sorry. But I am overjoyed to be the one MIT student who was arrested for something other than an LED device that incited a needless panic.
BC kids, meanwhile, are still trying to get over the Yankees loss in the first round. Come on, Judge. We bet even our twisted imagination can’t do these essays justice. Please give us a peek at them once you’ve collected them from your class of ruffians.