Jason Varitek Has No Ball

Dear Jason Varitek,

Hello, Capitan. We won’t keep you too long, since we know you’ve had quite a busy week. But it’s come to our attention that you don’t know where the last ball from the World Series has disappeared to.

Et tu, Varitek?

We thought it had gone smoothly. On Monday, you said you had the ball and that you wouldn’t try to keep it.

“I’ll give it back to the team . . . Maybe we won’t have a controversy this time.”

Varitek said he had stored the ball in a safe place.

Like a safety deposit box? In your sock drawer? Did you had it over to Theo Epstein? No. You claim you gave it to Jonathan Papelbon, who also doesn’t know where the championship-winning ball has gone.

WBZ’s Ron Sanders tried to get answers from the crazed man-child himself.

“Do you have it?”

“No, I don’t, I don’t know what happened to it.” . . .

“What do you think the person who has it should do with it?” Sanders asked.

“I think they should keep it and (long pause) put it in their trophy room at home.”

“Do you have a trophy room at home?” Sanders questioned.

“No, I don’t.”

Why the hell would you give a piece of history to this guy? You would have been better off giving it to one of those kids who trick-or-treated at your house. Now we’re going to have to listen to endless stories about finding this stupid ball until the hot stove heats up.

Either you or Cinco Ocho needs to produce a ball that could reasonably represent the last out of 2007, and fast. We can’t take this Ball Gate crap for another offseason.

Hugs,
Boston Daily