Greetings New Englanders

1195584615It has probably not escaped your attention that the rest of the nation is not exactly reveling in the Patriots’ success. In fact, the rest of the nation hates the Genius That Is Bill Belichick and everything he, and the Pats, stand for. With that in mind, we decided to have a little cross-promotional fun with our friends at Philly Mag in anticipation of Sunday night’s beatdown of the Eagles.

Your correspondent is A.J. Daulerio, whom loyal Deadspinners know simply as Balls. Like the rest of the city in which he toils, Daulerio is mean-spirited, bitter and he hates our winning teams. After the jump, a message from Balls, I mean A.J.

Greetings New Englanders:

Congratulations, on all your success. You’ve got two Red Sox championships, a rejuvenated Celtics team and, of course, are in the midst of witnessing NFL greatness in the form of your New England Patriots. That Monday Night game was something else. It was nice of you to piss all over Kevin Everetts’s inspirational evening by running your fourth string running back off-tackle for the patented Bill Belichick EAT ME-score. Very classy. I’m surprised your coach actually didn’t send somebody over to Everett’s house in Houston just to knock him out of his chair and kick him in the throat. You know, just to send “a message” and further the assertion that Bill Belichick’s Patriots are a reputable organization that in no way whatsoever used illegal videotaping to gain a marked advantage over the opponent. Yes, you guys are just that good.

Right now, it’s pretty obvious that Charlie Weis’ coaching acumen was directly proportional to the ability of one of the Patriots’ shadowy spies to infiltrate the opposing team’s sideline. It’s unfortunate that Notre Dame doesn’t use the same crooked playbook for success or he might still be able to have a coaching job one day. He’ll need it; those gastric-bypass legal fees must be adding up. But he can always take credit for quarterback Tom Brady’s success. Yes, Brady obviously gleaned plenty of knowledge working under Weis. First and foremost, the dangers of eating fried foods.

Speaking of Brady, is there any chance that your quarterback could bang any more models? Seriously, he may be the first NFL player to sign a huge endorsement deal with Valtrex. There’s a reason Brady’s passes aren’t intercepted that often — most defensive backs are fearful of contracting gonorrhea But it’s nice to see all that sport-fucking finally resulted in a bastard child! That kid’s going to be very well adjusted. Brady should set aside half of his football earnings right now for the amount of therapy John Edward will require once he hits the age of 8. I heard Bridget Moynahan is already preparing the young tot for the inevitable estrangement from his father by rocking him to sleep with Harry Chapin’s music.

And, honestly, get over yourselves with all of this undefeated talk. Your defense is so old that a good portion of them will be wearing colostomy bags before the end of the season. But knowing Belichick, he’ll probably just place all the old guys on IR so they don’t have to take the salary cap hit by releasing them. He’s one crafty sociopath, indeed.

Regardless, win or lose come Sunday, just know that Philadelphia will still think of you and your town as a bunch of heartless sons of bitches who will soon enough be cold-cocked off your arrogant throne. Honestly, if we think you’re a pack of loud-mouthed jerk-offs, how awful must you truly be? And that day of your reckoning, if not Sunday, will be a glorious one not just for us, but for America.

How do you like them apples, you chowdah-slurping imbeciles?

Thank you, A.J. Your bile-spewing hatred only masks your insecurities. Please check out my nuanced and reasoned response, over at Philly Mag’s blog, The Daily Examiner.

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