Oh, Milton

Dear Milton Academy Student Body,

Hello there, future of America. Boston Daily here. As you may have gathered, we’re a bit older than you. Which probably makes our obsession with your extra-curricular activities slightly creepy. But we read about your latest foray into unethical behavior and we wanted to tell you something.

We’re disappointed in your latest scandal.

Almost three years ago, America was stunned by the news that five Milton Academy boys got oral sex from a 15-year-old classmate in a locker room. The combination of underage sex and rich kids would make great fodder for an episode of Gossip Girl. Now, your scandal sounds like a cheesy hacker thriller starring the Mac guy.

A Milton Academy student has been expelled and three others have been suspended for the rest of the school year after they hacked into the elite private school’s computer system, changed grades, altered attendance records, and, in one case, gained access to an exam before it was administered. . .

That’s not sexy—that’s lame. Where are the salacious details we’ve come to expect from Milton students behaving badly? Instead of a locker room full of hormone-fueled boys, we imagine a lonely nerd, pecking away in a darkened computer lab. We can only hope he changed a girl’s grades in a misguided attempt at seducing her to add a much-needed human element.

If we had to grade you, we’d give you a C- and a stern note to see us after class. Don’t even try to hack our system—we keep it old-school and use a grade book.

Sincerely,
Boston Daily