Be a Scofflaw, Help a Child

Want to help a child this holiday season? Do you have a bad habit of racking up parking ticket debt? You’re in luck. The City of Boston has announced that anyone who gets a ticket between December 4 and December 6 can pay their fine by donating a toy.

It’s philanthropy for selfish people.

We’re all for helping the needy, and maybe this will finally reform the jerks who take up a space all day long. (Many of the most egregious parking offenses, such as parking in a handicapped space or blocking a hydrant aren’t eligible for the program.) Offenders can’t get away with donating some lame toy from Family Dollar since the city requires a toy be of equal or greater value of the parking ticket. Perhaps as violators bring their toys to City Hall later in the month, they will experience a Grinch-like growth of heart.

“I’ve been so wrong,” the driver will say, handing the unwrapped toy and its receipt to a city worker. “I’ve only been considering my needs when I drive around, flipping people off and occupying a parking space all day. While I’ve been so selfish, children are experiencing a holiday season without presents. Finally, I see the error of my ways. Starting today, I will dedicate my time to helping those less fortunate than myself.”

“Um,” the city staffer will interject. “This toy’s only worth $39.99. Your fine is $40. You’ll have to go get another non-violent toy that matches the value of the ticket.”

“It’s only one cent off.”

“Doesn’t matter,” the city worker will say, tapping on that piece of information on the press release.

“Screw you,” the driver will say, grabbing the toy back. “I’ll be contesting this ticket.” Then he drives off to Newbury Street, double-parking as he returns the toy that nearly changed his life.