Bad Day to be a Somerville Cop

The following, which chronicles one of the most demented police reports of all time, comes courtesy of Boston magazine intern, and Somerville News editor, George Hassett.

Somerville police are not going to forget the name Tia Alcide for a long time. They met up with Alcide last Wednesday, when they came to her apartment building on Melvin Street to resolve a kidnapping, reported 24 hours earlier.

Ketia Valmont, who lives with Alcide, allegedly kidnapped her 18-month old niece on Tuesday, December 4, to prevent the child from being taken back to her father in Haiti, but brought the kid back the next day. When police arrived to arrest Valmont, they were quickly surrounded by a family that was both uncooperative and, well, partially unclothed. Police said Valmont had no shirt on and Alcide, no pants.

Let’s hand it off to Detective Paul Duffy here, who will walk you through the fracas, with the sort of wry, understate prose you can only find in a police report:

“Meanwhile Ketia, whom was deliberately refusing to get dressed, tried to force her way past me to join the other women who were now pushing and grabbing at Officer Collins. At this point I realized that Collins and I were in danger and called for backup. One of the first officers to arrive on scene was detective John Oliveira. He tried to pull Danielle [sic] of my back as I struggled with Alcide who was attacking Collins. I saw Ketia punching and spitting at Oliveira. I then saw her [Ketia] remove a three foot oak bedpost from her bed and smash it over Oliveira’s neck and head.

“I let go of Danielle and went to Oliveira’s assistance. Ketia was swinging the bedpost at me and struck me on the back. I tackled her and got her to the floor and ordered her to drop the bedpost. She then said, ‘Fuck you pig’ and kicked me directly in the testicles. Stunned by the pain, I lost my balance and fell on top of her with my groin area near her face.

“She immediately began biting at my testicle area, in an apparent attempt to cause more pain to that section of my body. I was finally able to subdue her and handcuff her. During this struggle with the violent Ketia, I felt a person punching and kicking at me from behind. Officer Collins pulled this person [Alcide] off my back and was struggling to handcuff her. With me stunned from the assault on my testicles and Oliveira still on the floor reeling from his injuries from the bedpost attack, Collins was having a difficult time restraining her [Alcide].

“His difficulties were compounded by the fact that another woman was trying to pull his gun from his holster. I got back to my feet and jumped in to help Collins. Finally, along with Detective Ross O’Meara, who was also punched and deliberately defecated on by Alcide, both Alcide and [a juvenile female] were handcuffed.”