Tom Brady is Not Well

We thought we’d have to wait until next week and the hearing involving Randy Moss’s battery case before getting some bad Patriots news. But this morning we woke up and had to start breathing into a paper bag when we saw a picture of Tom Brady gimping through the streets of New York in a cast.

Not only is his physical health in question, but we’ve also got reasons to doubt his mental well-being.

If the picture of God’s chosen quarterback sporting an air cast two weeks before the Super Bowl doesn’t disturb you enough, TMZ.com has the video in which Brady is obviously in pain as he hustles up Gisele Bundchen’s steps. Brady has been Belichickianly tight-lipped about his injury and how it will affect his play in two weeks.

“Ah, you know, there’s always bumps and bruises. I’ll be ready for the Super Bowl,” Brady said, when asked point-blank if he had a leg injury. “I’m not worried about that. I’m not missing this one. I’d have to be on a stretcher to miss this one. There will be treatment this week. In games like this, you get a little nicked up. It’s nothing serious.”

Showing weakness so soon before the Super Bowl will only excite Giants fans further. Today’s Globe reports that New York radio station Q104.3 is encouraging listeners to print out masks of Brady’s ex and baby mama Bridget Moynahan to wear to the Super Bowl.

This could affect Brady, not because it reminds him of his son, but because the mask is terrifying. The Photoshop whizzes at New York’s classic rock station put white ovals where Moynahan’s eyes should be, lending a zombie-movie quality to her usually beautiful face.

More frightening, though, is what Brady appears to be holding in his hands in today’s Gisele photo. He may blame his injury on the AFC Championship game, but we suspect the damage was done by his girlfriend kicking him in the shin with her designer boots. In the picture that’s splashed across the Herald, it looks like Brady is carrying white roses for his lady love. However, after watching the TMZ video, we’re pretty sure he’s carrying white carnations.

We can only hope that No. 12 isn’t stupid enough to give one of the world’s most gorgeous supermodels a bunch of cheap flowers from a Mobil station off the New Jersey Turnpike. We’ve never met the woman, but we’re pretty sure Bundchen will accept nothing less than Winston’s roses from her man.

The only other explanation we’ve come up with is that the couple was at a wedding and took a centerpiece for kicks.