Criminals Run on Dunkin’ and Self-Mutilation

1202225730In these troubled economic times, it makes sense that crime is on the rise. Even drug dealers are having trouble making the payments on their adjustable-rate mortgages (unless they live in Wellesley). Some (alleged) criminals are taking extreme steps to keep themselves from getting captured.

One guy went so far as to mutilate his fingertips to obscure his fingerprints and keep police from identifying him.

“Out of the hundreds or even thousands of cases we get each year, we see this sort of thing once or twice,” [Suffolk DA spokesman Jake] Wark said. “Far more often, we see them having an alias or maybe a few aliases.”

How has this trend not found its way into a movie yet. We can just imagine Robert De Niro’s facial contortions as the movie theater is filled with the sound of sizzling flesh. Come back, writers. We need you.

Another criminal made his robbery a family affair by involving an infant in his scheme to steal donations from a Dunkin’ Donuts in New Hampshire.

On Saturday. . . Palmer and a female accomplice allegedly used an infant to try to shield their hand movements from surveillance cameras.

We hope he at least bought that kid a Munchkin. While America may run on Dunkin’ coffee, babies tend to be partial to chocolate glaze donut holes.