Why John McCain Needs Mitt Romney

Dear John McCain,

1205328733We know we don’t talk very often, Senator. Surely you understand that our loyalties lie with our former governor and our favorite crazy, Ron Paul. But you’ve emerged from the wreckage of the prolonged nomination contest as the victor. Congratulations.

Now we’d like to talk to you about picking Mitt Romney as your running mate.*

We know you guys don’t really get along. In fact, it seems like you guys really dislike each other. But you need to get over it, because you need him just as much as he needs you.

Why? Well, we hate to tell you this, but the Democratic contenders have bigger audiences than you.

Hillary Clinton appeared at an Art Deco concert hall here with 1,763 seats for symphony performances, and at a Philadelphia university athletic facility that can hold nearly 4,000. On Monday, Obama appeared in Mississippi before crowds of 1,700 and 8,500, according to estimates provided by his campaign.

McCain’s audiences typically number in the hundreds[.]

Your biggest problem in the political eternity before the Pennsylvania primaries bring us closer to the end of the Democratic nomination process is keeping your name in the news. The political headlines today are all about dream tickets, high-priced prostitutes, and Mississippi. Announcing a partnership with Romney will bring you back above the fold.

Also, Romney is bound to say something stupid, and the media will come to you for comment. It’ll be the best sitcom on television, and we’ll be there to document it all.

Pick our boy Mitt, and your problems are over.

Boston Daily

*We know there is no way this will actually happen, but do us a solid and at least publicly consider it, will ya John?