Culture Snob: Jacoby Ellsbury vs. Coco Crisp
It’s time again for Dan Morrell’s Culture Snob, wherein our correspondent sizes up public figures based on their cultural preferences. This week we break down the battle for center field.
With everyone ready to cast Coco Crisp aside in favor of their shiny new toy, it’s time to evaluate these two using more serious criteria. Because no one is going to jump a stranger for a team with a starting centerfielder who has awful taste in music.
Movies
Ellsbury: Gladiator, Troy, Dumb and Dumber
Coco: Saturday Night Fever, Mr. Baseball
Winner: Draw
I’ll skip the obvious “Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?” joke, and get right to the Dumb and Dumber pick. Outside of adolescence, it is generally unacceptable for this, or any other film with an extensive laxative gag, to be anyone’s favorite film. Crisp would win with Saturday Night Fever (Travolta was nominated for an Academy Award), but the fact that he has apparently watched Mr. Baseball “about a hundred times” ties this up.
Can’t you just see Coco trying in vain to work Tom Selleck quotes into social situations? Awkward.
Music
Ellsbury: “Everything from country to Tupac and 50 Cent”
Coco: West Coast Hip-Hop
Winner: Coco
This was close, but the shock of hearing “Chattahoochee” followed by “Holla If Ya Hear Me”, on a mix CD has to be considered. And yeah, Crisp recorded a “clean” song for an MLB charity CD that contains the line “I play the center like Kareem/and I like it when the crowd screams.” But the website for his record company says that their music sounds like “Colombian BAM BAM!” which goes a long way to make up for adding to an ever-growing heap of crap.
Endorsements:
Crisp: Hood dairy, Cocoa Krispies,
Winner: Coco
Whereas Ellsbury’s endorsements compete—one making you possibly less healthy and the other possibly more—Crisp’s work in perfect unison. He isn’t just playing baseball, he is building a brand. And while Ellsbury is busy posing for Vogue, Crisp is preaching the dairy bible to the children.
Winner: Coco Crisp
Beating the first ever Navajo Mormon in the majors in a culture battle? It comes down to this: We know what Coco Crisp is, but with Ellsbury, we have an enigma who can follow up a delicious Navajo frybread with a trip to the Olive Garden, and that’s just too unpredictable to rest a pennant run on.
—DAN MORRELL
