Tourism With Tom Finneran

Today’s Herald reports that Tom Finneran has made yet another new job for himself—State House tour guide to “dazed” midwestern tourists. Many people are looking for a second job right now, so we decided to help him out by writing a script for his new gig.

1217599562Good morning, folks. My name’s Tom Finneran. You may remember me from my work as Speaker of the House, my felony convictions, and my radio show on WRKO.

Today, my job is to be your tour guide. See that gold dome behind us? That’s the Massachusetts State House. I used to work there full-time, but my radio work and the conditions of my plea deal limit me to part-time lobbying work, plus giving out-of-towners like yourselves a look at how Massachusetts government works.

Please silence your cell phones and turn your flashes off as we enter the building.

It’s a special week on Beacon Hill. It’s the last days of our legislative session and there’s a lot to before the end of the summer session. It’s a thrilling atmosphere, and you folks are going to get the insider’s view of government at work. From me, a former insider. Let’s take a look at my old haunt—the House chambers.

No, we don’t have to stay in the public galleries. I know lots of people here, and I’m sure they wouldn’t mind if we wandered on to the floor as they vote. Just make sure your cell phones are silenced. We don’t want the spoil the Reps’ concentration.

At each desk, you’ll see that each member has a green and red button with which to vote. Hopefully in a way that doesn’t hurt my lobbying clients! Just a little political humor for you. Don’t worry—none of my clients have legislation before the House. Trust me.

Up there is the current House Speaker, Sal DiMasi. We go way back. But please don’t wave at him—he hates to be distracted in the middle of a session. Also, I kind of don’t want him to know I’m here.

Well, there it is. Let’s all quietly file out of the chambers now. You can turn your cell phones back on now. Thanks for coming out today, and don’t forget to listen to my show on WRKO from 6 to 10 a.m. Please?