Die Another Day

1221074359If you’ve noticed that everyone seems pretty content on this Wednesday afternoon, it’s because we’re all lucky to still be alive. In the most-hyped doomsday scenario since Y2K, some said that the inaugural run of the Large Hadron Collider could form black holes that would eat the planet from the inside out.

That would have sucked.

Thankfully, everything went off without a hitch and humanity is left to destroy itself another day. But how will it happen? Let’s think up some possibilities so we can prepare ourselves now.

Red Sox trade David Ortiz
How it happens: Someone sees the breaking news alert on Boston.com, and lets out a shriek that alerts the rest of the office. As people scramble to find details anywhere on the Internet, the world’s servers strain, drawing all the planet’s oxygen into their fans, and we suffocate.
How we can prevent it: Plan a phone tree now.

Someone at MIT innovates just a little too much
How it happens: Those kids are always doing something that blows our minds. It seems like only a matter of time before they make a cataclysmic error.
How we can prevent it: Keep arresting them for stupid stunts. Or take away their kitties. That’ll extinguish their creativity right quick.

The fundamentalists are right
How it happens: Christ comes back to Earth to judge humans. He sees that Massachusetts residents made a lot of jokes about locusts and plagues after allowing gay marriage, and decides to show us all a thing or two by damning us all to hell.
How we can prevent it: Too late!

Voters repeal the state income tax
How it happens: We’re not quite sure. But legislators are making it sound like the end of the world if the ballot initiative passes and the state loses 40 percent of its budget.
How we can prevent it: One of the groups supporting the measure is low on cash, and unions are planning to launch a media campaign to inform voters of what no income taxes would mean. But it could still happen if somebody digs up information on a particularly egregious earmark before the election.