Culture Snob: Kevin O’Connell vs. Matt Gutierrez
It’s time again for Dan Morrell’s Culture Snob, wherein our correspondent sizes up public figures based on their cultural preferences. Today, we break down the battle of Patriots backup quarterbacks Kevin O’Connell and Matt Gutierrez.
Debate on the merits of the New Tom Brady is well under way, but we should be prepared to name a New Matt Cassel, just in case the unthinkable happens again (remember the 2002 Philadelphia Eagles?).
Kevin O’Connell and Matt Gutierrez could both star in a perfect tear-jerking, last-guy-on-the-bench, against-all-odds sports script. Or maybe just play well enough to get Arena Football offers. Let’s see who’s worthy of toting the bigger clipboard.
College Major
O’Connell: Political Science, San Diego State
Gutierrez: General studies major, Michigan/Idaho State
WINNER: O’Connell
Two years of academic honors or not, Michigan’s “General Studies” program has a sort of “dumb jock” reputation. And not just among nerdy college newspaper snarkers, but from no less than the former president of Michigan State:
“Where else can athletes with weak academic skills be accommodated in a university with competitive academic admissions and rigorous academic programs?” Ouch. Besides, Michigan offers something like 225 majors, so the idea that you can’t find something you like on the menu just ain’t cutting it.
Big Screen Experience
O’Connell: None
Gutierrez: Starring role in Perfect Effort
WINNER: Gutierrez
Gutierrez’s high school team managed to win 151 games in a row (37 with him as QB), good enough to earn the team a documentary. Key dramatic scene: Player arrives behind schedule, presumably resulting in laps, suicides, or riding on bus next to the punter. Matt, arms out and palms up, barks: “You were late for practice—that’s the way it is.” There’s an inhuman menace in his voice. It’s like Orsen Welles’ contained rage in Citizen Kane—only more real.
Brady Ex Most Likely To Date
O’Connell: Bridget Moynihan
Gutierrez: Tara Reid
WINNER: O’Connell
OK, I have no idea who these guys are dating, but I imagine that the Knoxville-born son of an FBI agent who looks up to his older sister is more likely to end up on the Moynihan end of the dating pool. Gutierrez gets Reid due simply to this response in a 2006 chat on the Idaho State website:
Maryanne (Boise, Idaho): Do you have a girlfriend?
Matt Gutierrez: Do you have a picture and a resume’ (LOL)
Know this: Matt Gutierrez is not just interested in looks, but also in earning potential. Extra points for the apparent attempt to add accent marks to résumé, even if it means he just threw an apostrophe at the end of it. We notice the effort.
OVERALL: O’Connell
The depth chart remains untouched. On top of winning two out of three, Kevin O’Connell gets bonus for watching the old, Adam West-era episodes of Batman (~4:30), which shows an appreciation of American kitsch. Plus, he has dressed as Batman for Halloween “more than once,” an experience that has hopefully offered him a fleeting look at the kind of mythical Man-Hero Pats fan are looking for in a QB.
—DAN MORRELL
