The Massachusetts Corn Maze Survival Guide

Earlier this week, a family visiting the Connors Farm in Danvers, Mass., had to call 911 after getting lost in a corn maze. Corn maze disorientation (cornicus delirus) is common during this time of year, and it can ruin a perfectly good day at the farm. In the event of a corn maze emergency, be sure to have this survival guide on hand to ensure that you’ll find your way out safely.

1. If you find yourself lost in a field of corn, the first thing you must determine is whether you are in fact actually in a corn maze. Is there a clearly defined path? Are small children wandering through? Can you hear their squeals of delight as they attempt to navigate the twists and turns? If you can answer yes to any of these, you’re probably in a corn maze.

2. Now that you’ve determined that you are lost, it’s best to get your bearings. Look up at the sky and find the sun. Look at your watch. Is it in the afternoon? Then the sun is setting and that means it’s heading west. If it’s noon when you look at your watch, it’s best to wait an hour and see which way the sun is going.

3. If, for some reason, you have become lost in the corn maze due to the influence of alcohol, resist the urge to lay down in the field and sleep off its effects.

4. Do not panic. Flailing of the arms and legs is apt to break off corn stalks, thereby obscuring the clear path provided. Many victims of corn maze disorientation are often duped by these fake paths and it prolongs their eventual recovery.

5. Note: It is an extremely bad idea to try and light a distress fire in a corn maze.

6. Use the resources at your disposal to help draw attention to your predicament. If you have broken a corn stalk off in your flailing, wave it above your head to draw attention to yourself. Occasionally, very tall people who are fond of feeling superior to everyone else will travel to corn mazes in order to laugh at people like you. But in general, the tall are also kind, and after a few minutes of chuckling, they may use their extremely long arms to point in your general direction.

7. If all else fails, listen for the laughter of a child and move toward it. Then, cautiously ask the child to help lead you the way out.