Eleven Half-Assed Endorsements for Mitt Romney

“You want me to dance like a puppet for your endorsement? Okay…” (Photo via c.berlet/publiceye.org)

The Republican Party, left with only one suitor for the prom, has looked at Mitt Romney, looked around the room again, gulped, and offered a reluctant, “Well, I guess so …”.

Don’t believe me? Consider the so-called “endorsements” for Mr. Inevitable, our former Massachusetts governor:

1. The He’s the Nominee, So I Will Support Him Even If I Don’t Like Him Much endorsement:
John Boehner (Speaker of the House of Representatives): “It is clear now that Mitt Romney is going to be our nominee.”

2. The All the Other Candidates are Embarrassing, So You Win By Default endorsement:
Kelly Ayotte (senator from New Hampshire): “I believe Gov. Romney will run a campaign against … Obama that is serious, substantive and one we can be proud of.”

3. The I Still Shouldn’t Be Allowed Near a Microphone endorsement:
Christine O’Donnell (failed Senate candidate who is not a witch): “I am endorsing Governor Romney because I trust him to do the right thing … [Romney has] been consistent since he changed his mind.”

4. The Only Because He Beat Me and Newt Gingrich is Crazy endorsement:
Jon Huntsman (failed presidential candidate and former Utah governor): “I believe it is now time for our party to unite around the candidate best-equipped to defeat Barack Obama. Despite our differences and the space between us on some issues, I believe that candidate is Gov. Mitt Romney.”

5. The I Wish Blackwater Could Build Us a Republican Voltron endorsement:
Nikki Haley (South Carolina governor): “You put all these candidates together and you have one perfect candidate,” she said. “But you are never going to have a perfect candidate.”

6. The I Sound Like a 14-year-old Girl Agreeing to Go to the Mall Even If I Don’t Really Want To endorsement:
Mitch McConnell (Senate minority leader): “Yeah, I support Governor Romney for president of the United States. And he is going to be the nominee.”

7. The I Wish We Had the Other Guy endorsement:
Lindsey Graham (senator from South Carolina): “Rick Santorum has run an amazing campaign which exceeded all expectations. He should be very proud of all he and his supporters have accomplished. Rick has shown great passion for fiscal and social conservatism. Most importantly to me, he has also been the most consistent candidate on national security as he fully embraced Ronald Reagan’s model of ‘Peace through Strength’… Now is the time to get behind Mitt Romney as our presidential nominee so that every corner of the Republican Party is united.”

8. The I Would Never Dare to Attempt to Lead endorsement:
Lamar Alexander (senator from Tennessee): “I learned a long time ago that Tennesseans didn’t elect me to tell them how to vote, but I voted for Governor Romney.”

9. The Rick Perry Combusted Spectacularly, So I Will Take the Next Best endorsement:
Bobby Jindal (Louisiana governor): “Congratulations to Governor Romney on winning a hard fought race, I look forward to supporting him in retiring President Obama.”

10. The Hey GOP, Let’s Not Totally Screw This Up endorsement:
Mike Lee (senator from Utah): “This is a pretty critical year. There are big decisions for the country to make and … I think we would be well advised as Republicans to start getting behind our eventual nominee … I think we’re now reaching the point where we can see prolonging this process further could undermine our ability to get a Republican candidate elected, and it could also distract from getting our Senate candidates elected.”

11. The Whoops, I Mistakenly Said that Massachusetts was “Important” (Even Though My Talking Points Say it is a Liberal Hell Hole) endorsement:
Marco Rubio (senator from Florida): “In Mitt Romney, we have a candidate, an alternative, that in addition to being successful as a governor running an important state in this country has also been successful in the private sector and offers a very clear alternative to the direction this president is going to take our country.”