The Only Solution: Ignore the Red Sox

bruinsWe think the bear is saying: “See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.” (Image courtesy of the Bruins.)

This may not go over so well with the higher-ups here at Boston magazine, considering that we devoted considerable time and space to previewing this Red Sox season and Fenway Park’s 100th anniversary in our most recent issue, but there’s only one way to deal with our baseball team’s putrid start: ignore them. Pretend that they don’t exist, at least until the Bruins and Celtics are done playing.

The thought started to occur to me last Wednesday, when I was flipping between the Celtics — bruised and battered and playing without Ray Allen and Rajon Rondo, but still able to gut one out against the Orlando Magic — and the Red Sox, who were doing their Red Sox thing, losing to the Texas Rangers. The contrast was stark: one team tough as nails, full of characters, and utterly likable, the other tough as a jelly donut, full of fried chicken (not letting this go yet), and as likable as a rusty railroad spike stuck in your forehead.

Then came Saturday, when the Bruins’ game 5 against the Washington Capitals went head-to-head against the Red Sox/Yankees game. I flipped to the Sox during commercials, but again, there was the same unflattering juxtaposition. The Bruins — if you’re able to look past the quasi-craziness of a certain Tea Party net-minder — are an extremely likable team. Every time they seem out, they fight back. Even in defeat on Saturday, they put up a hell of an effort. As for the Red Sox, every time they seem out, they are pretty much out.

So let’s practice. Suppose somebody comes up to you and says, “Holy ghost of Harry Hooper, I can not believe the Red Sox blew a nine run lead to the Yankees on Saturday! That’s got to be one of the worst losses in franchise history.” You say, “Man, am I pumped for the Bruins’ game 7 at the Garden on Wednesday!”

Here’s another: Somebody says, “Daniel Bard has got to go back to the bullpen. Rich Garces’s back left fat-roll could pitch better than most of the bums they’ve got out there right now.” You say, “Man, the Celtics have looked good lately. I just hope Ray Allen’s foot and Rondo’s back are okay by the time their playoff series against the Hawks starts.”

This isn’t to say we abandon the Red Sox totally. I’m sure that, despite myself, I’ll still watch, as long as there’s no conflict with the Bruins or Celtics. I just won’t waste any mental angst on them. From an emotional perspective, the Red Sox are dead to me right now.

Now how about that Game 7 at the Garden!