Scott Brown Is Very Busy With Kings and Queens

Image by Scott M. Lacey

What’s the difference between Scott Brown and a four-year-old at a tea party? The four-year-old knows that she’s only pretending to be meeting with queens and kings. Such is the life of Senator Brown, who when pressed on WTKK’s radio show on Thursday about why his campaign against Elizabeth Warren lacked substance, responded by saying that “Each and every day that I’ve been a United States senator, I’ve been discussing issues, meeting on issues, in secret meetings and with kings and queens and prime ministers and business leaders and military leaders, talking, voting, working on issues every single day.”

Remarkably, we were able to get a page out of Senator Brown’s daily planner, and now have a much better idea of what these busy days are like.

8 a.m. – Polish monocle.

8:15 a.m. – Foreign policy session with Jasmine and Aladdin to assure them that Mulan is not planning to overthrow their kingdom.

10:00 a.m. – IM with princess Beatrice about hat designs. Remind her that fascinators are for baronesses.

11:30 a.m. – Secret meeting with assistant. Re: What should I buy Gail for her birthday?

12 p.m. – Working lunch on childhood obesity issues with the Burger King. Dude is creepy but makes me laugh.

1 p.m. – Policy discussion with Alice and Queen of Hearts. Must convey that decapitation is not the only answer to solve Wonderland’s problems.

2 p.m. – Photo-op with Simba and Nala. I love those kitties.

3:00 p.m. – Secret Meeting with Kevin James. Grown-ups? Mall Cop? The Zookeeper? He’s been slipping since “King of Queens.” The American public can’t stand for this.

4 p.m. – Browse TMZ for latest on Dutchess of Cambridge’s “alleged” baby bump. (She’s totally showing.)

6 p.m. – Fundraiser with remaining bandmembers of Queen. Note: Convince them to let me wear Freddy Mercury unitard and sing “We Will Rock You.”