The Week the Patriots Became a Cheap Porno

Yeah, that’s what I said. The New England Patriots have lately seemed more like a cheap porn flick than a football team. Want proof?

We start with this new Tom Brady ad for something called Unreal Brands, a local candy company that advertises its treats as not having any “artificial junk.” The video begins with Brady surprising people from behind a black curtain, and then ends with him in handcuffs in the back of a cop car. Classic porn setup.

Now we move on to the acting stylings of Robert Kraft. This apparent audition tape he did to help out his 32-year-old lady friend, actress Ricki Noel Lander, hit the internet last night, and really, if you haven’t seen it yet, what have you been using the internet for? Key Kraft lines: “I’ll stop, [dramatic pause] if you let me buy you a drink.” And, “Can I get a dance?”

And finally, now that we’ve got the plot setup out of the way, we move on to the nakedness. For that we have Rob Gronkowski posing nude on the cover of ESPN The Magazine‘s body issue. Never stop being you, Gronk.