Poisoning Your Neighbors’ Dogs Seems Like the Worst Idea
There are so very many reasons why it seems like Kenneth Hyland’s alleged plot to poison dogs with anti-freeze soaked hot dogs in Charlestown was a terrible plan. Hyland, 53, is expected to be arraigned today on the charges of animal poisoning, after neighbors say they saw the landscaper – potentially angry at the mess dogs kept leaving for him – soaking bits of hot dog in a bucket of anti-freeze, then spreading them on a lawn for dogs to eat. A sampling of our never-ending list of reasons this is a terrible idea:
- First of all, poisoning your neighbor’s dogs is a crime so nefarious, so cartoonishly villainous, that it is bound to earn you a tabloid-y nickname: The Herald has dubbed Hyland the (alleged) “pooch poisoner.” That just seems like a name that’s gonna stick.
- The Globe reports, “Neighbors reported that they saw hot dogs soaking in a bucket of blue-green liquid believed to be antifreeze while Hyland cut the lawn.” He kept the soaking hot dogs in plain sight for the neighbors to see! That seems silly, just from a getting-away-with-it standpoint. On a related note, the police report states that when an angry neighbor asked if he was trying to poison dogs, he replied, “yes.”
- If you’re angry about the mess your area dog owners are leaving for you to clean up (seems like a perfectly reasonable grievance if you are a landscaper) murdering the dogs doesn’t seem like it’ll work. At best, the dogs are just going to make more of a mess because they ate some bum hot dogs. At worst, they will die and dog owners, in our experience, have a tendency to get more dogs when the first ones go, especially when they depart tragically and unexpectedly.
For the latest in technology attempting to solve dog-related poo-dunnits (you’re welcome, English language) we suggest a great This American Life on the subject of DNA testing from dog poop samples. We do not suggest poison.