Retail's War on Thanksgiving

Every year on Black Friday, retail stores show us why capitalism prevails. Except in Massachusetts.

Illustration via Thinkstock

Last year, retailers upset folks when they decided to open at midnight on Thanksgiving for Black Friday, just so they could unload millions of dollars of consumer products at a discount to customers willing to brave the elements and stampedes. This year, of course, capitalism’s ever-continuing march forward means that retailers including Target, Wal-Mart, and Sears will open at 8 or 9 p.m. ON THANKSGIVING DAY. That means that sales-driven customers will be busting down doors, as the Los Angeles Times puts it, “right after most people are finishing turkey feasts.”

Predictably, many people are outraged and confused. Shopping, after all, is American as apple pie. But Thanksgiving IS apple pie. What do we do?!

More than 155,000 people have already signed a petition encouraging Target to “Take the high road and save Thanksgiving” by not opening up until Friday. The comments section of, meanwhile, is loaded with a discussion on what a store’s opening means for our future. (ie: “this country is going down the toilet faster than the Tidy Bowl Man.”)

But wait: It turns out that stores in Massachusetts will NOT be open on Thanksgiving, thanks to our state’s restrictive blue laws. While the rest of America tramples ahead, we alone, like National Review and conservative god William F. Buckley, will “stand athwart history, yelling Stop, at a time when no one is inclined to do so.”

Yes, that’s right. Liberal Massachusetts is so restrictive of commerce that we’re actually conservative. We will enjoy our turkey feasts and not get in line until a time when traditional and good freedom-loving Americans do: Midnight.