Applebee’s Would Really, Really Like to Cater a Red Sox Game

Check your Twitter, Jackie Bradley Jr.!


The snarky snarks of Twitter were wistfully amused to see that breakout Red Sox rookie Jackie Bradley Jr. was celebrating his notable performance on Opening Day with a meal at … Applebee’s. Yes, Bradley made short work of the Yankees and then told Dennis & Callahan that his family had never been to the city so “I wanted to show them what the big city bright lights had to offer. So we all went to Applebee’s.” How folksy! He spends his evening in a food capital of the western world at none other than bastion-of-carbon-copied-suburban-sodium-consumption Applebee’s. Sure, he could have done worse and headed to Guy Fieri’s Donkey Tonk Saloon or whatever it is, but even so, we effete north-easterners did not like this one bit:

But you know who was not saddened by this mediocre culinary choice? Applebee’s. Nay, Applebee’s was not disappointed so much as they were delighted. Indeed, the chain tweeted at Bradley that they’d like to cater a clubhouse meal for the whole famn damily if he’d allow it:

Either Jackie Bradley Jr. does not check his Twitter @mentions every ten minutes or he floated the idea, and his teammates were like, “Listen, new dude. Absolutely not,” because shortly afterward, a spurned Applebee’s tweeted their loyal Twitter minions:

So far they have not heard back*, an Applebee’s rep tells the Herald.  “We understand he’s probably got more important things on his mind at the moment, but we’re waiting with bated breath,” the spokesman says. So … oh dear, because who knows how long this wait may last. The years could go by, and still a social media intern will sit on Twitter and hit Refresh … Refresh … Refresh. Decades from now, a decrepit Jackie Bradley Jr. will stand at a podium in Cooperstown, looking back fondly on his decades of success, and still a withered social media intern will sit and hit Refresh … Refresh … Refresh. Eons will pass before a Neptunian-American archaeologist digs through the sands of civilization and find a rookie baseball card encased in protective plastic, wondering at this primitive prehistoric ritual of hitting leather balls with pieces of tree branch. And still the social media intern will sit. Refresh … Refresh … Refresh.

Or, you know, maybe  they can program one of those vibrating light-up devices that lets you know when your table is ready to Bradley’s Twitter feed so they’ll be sure to notice if he responds.

*Update: They have, in fact heard back from the gracious Jackie Bradley Jr. who seems interested in the prospect! Good for everyone.