Eight Things We Should Toss into the Boston Harbor Instead of British Tea

A modest proposal.

Photo by Lee Wright on Flickr/Creative Commons

Photo by Lee Wright on Flickr/Creative Commons

For the first time since 1773, British tea will be hurled into the Boston Harbor to commemorate the legendary tea party that helped spark the American Revolution.

Organizers told Herald Radio they’re expecting as many as 3,000 spectators for tonight’s festivities, which include 150 actors reenacting the Boston Tea Party, dressed as the Sons of Liberty, at the Old South Meeting House. The tea used will be from the British East India Company, the same tea dumped into the Boston Harbor by Sam Adams and company 242 years ago.

Such a waste of perfectly good tea got us thinking: What should we toss into the Harbor instead?

Leftovers From the Cleveland Circle Chipotle

We’re not taking any chances here. To the briny depths with your norovirus-riddled burrito bowls. And you can keep your full-page apologies in the HeraldGlobe, and Providence Journal. You know what we want, and it’s free guac. Forever. Make it work.

That Boston 2024 Ping Pong Table

In some ways, the scrappy local opposition’s unlikely victory over the Olympic bid and all the powerful men and women behind it bears close resemblance to American Revolution. (Only furthering the comparison are the real monarchs comprising the International Olympic Committee.) Why not toss that #branded ping pong table overboard, but hold on to the T-shirts, now that they’re vintage?


All of it. The whole thing. At once. Get MIT on the phone—they can figure it out.

All the Renoir Paintings at the Museum of Fine Arts

They’re the most controversial pieces of art in Boston since a few disgruntled pedestrians looked up at the old Os Gemeos mural in the Greenway and saw a jihadi Bart Simpson. The French Impressionist master invokes so much rancor that “God Hates Renoir” protesters picketed outside the MFA in October. Perhaps whatever lives at the bottom of the Harbor will better appreciate Renoir’s delicate brushstrokes and treacly subject matter.

Bill Cosby’s Honorary BU Degree

The trustees of Boston University voted last week to revoke the honorary degree it awarded the alleged date rapist in May 2014. Easiest way to make like it never happened? Submerge it beneath some historic boats.

Rajon Rondo Jerseys

When Rondo was with the Celtics, apologists called him enigmatic and complicated. In light of his recent use of a homophobic slur against a gay referee, it’s safe to say he was probably just a jerk.

Donald Trump

If only to see his hair when wet.