Five Fun Ways to Protest Donald Trump’s Boston Fundraiser

Nonviolence never felt so right.

Photo via AP

Photo via AP

Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump will hold a fundraiser on Monday at the Langham Hotel in Boston’s Financial District. Attending the lavish luncheon will set you back $2,700, while couples can be “hosts” for $25,000, the Globe reports.

After Trump supporters were attacked with eggs and water balloons outside a rally in downtown San Jose last week, the same folks backing the guy hellbent on banning Muslims from entering the United States have begun to fashion themselves martyrs, even if it means fudging the truth a little.

So if you’re going to protest the man, feel free to use any number of our nonviolent alternatives. As long as the demagogue’s in town, we might as well make the most of it.

Engage in Sonic Warfare Most Sinister

Trump has been a vociferous proponent of torture. Not only must we “beat the savages,” he argues, we ought to kill their families, too. While most establishment Republicans now blanch at waterboarding except in extreme circumstances, Trump says it isn’t torturous enough.

“Look, I think we have to change our law on the waterboarding thing, where they can chop off heads and drown people in cages, in heavy steel cages and we can’t water board,” he said in the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels, which left 32 dead. “We have to change our laws and we have to be able to fight at least on almost equal basis. We have laws that we have to obey in terms of torture. They have no laws whatsoever that they have to obey.”

Never mind that torture is banned under U.S. and international law, it’s nice to see Trump believe in at least one level playing field. And he holds this half-baked position in spite of the staggering body of evidence suggesting it’s wholly ineffective at producing any useful counterintelligence. One of the so-called enhanced interrogation techniques used at Guantanamo Bay is blasting Metallica’s “Enter Sandman” at deafening volumes for hours on end.

Like most ideas borne of the federal government: unimaginative!

Post fliers all around Allston and round up as many amplifiers as you can get your hands on and, well, build a wall. From the minute Trump’s limousine rounds the corner onto Franklin Street and all throughout the luncheon, play Sean Paul’s seminal 2002 album “Dutty Rock.”

This is what democracy sounds like.

Bring in Fifth Avenue’s Disabled Veterans

Trump purports to be a loving friend of this country’s veterans, and resents any member of the sleazy media who dares question why so many of his checks to veterans organizations were dated the same day the Washington Post started wondering where all that promised money was.

Back in 1991, Trump wasn’t such a fan of the disabled veterans hanging out in from of his eponymous tower in Manhattan. He wrote a letter to the New York Assembly, demanding something be done about the hoi polloi.

“While disabled veterans should be given every opportunity to earn a living, is it fair to do so to the detriment of the city as a whole or its tax paying citizens and businesses?” the future presidential nominee of a major American political party wrote. “Do we allow Fifth Avenue, one of the world’s finest and most luxurious shopping districts, to be turned into an outdoor flea market, clogging and seriously downgrading the area?”

So how about an outdoor flea market, providing City Hall produces the permits? Just to be safe, only use union labor setting it up.

Strategically Arrange Hundreds of Taco Bowls

Imagine this prank…

…but with HUNDREDS OF TACO BOWLS, Trump’s favorite Mexican-but-not-really-Mexican food, near the entrance to the luncheon.

Hold a Candlelight Vigil for John Miller/Barron

The Washington Post discovered that Trump masqueraded as his own public relations man, John Miller (sometimes, John Barron), in order to brag to reporters about his business transactions and sexual prowess. “Actresses just call to see if they can go out with him and things,” Miller told a People magazine reporter the same year Trump tried clearing the homeless off Fifth Avenue.

What ever happened to Miller? We can only assume the worst, so dress in all black and form a funeral procession. Better yet, demand that Trump provide a long-form birth certificate.

Buy Rosie O’Donnell a Ticket

In the age of crowdfunding, this ought to be a simple task. Or better yet, invite Lena Dunham and the cast of HBO’s Girls for a live reading. Because if there’s anything that makes Trump uncomfortable, it’s women and their feelings.