Let’s Ban All Philadelphia Things so the Patriots Win the Super Bowl

Get rid of it. Just push it into the Atlantic. Photo via iStock/f11photo

A local bakery has banned Philadelphia Cream Cheese. The Esplanade has banned bald eagles. And we are ready to ban just about everything else associated with our gridiron avian foes. The Patriots are just 11 days away from the Super Bowl, and it’s time to rid the Hub of anything related to Philadelphia—y’know, for the sake of competition.

We went ahead and came up with 27 things (one for each of Tom Brady’s playoff victories, of course) that Boston should get rid of before the big game. There’s no messing around when it comes to the Super Bowl.

1. Mispronunciations of “water”
2. Gas stations that sell sandwiches
3. It’s Always Sunny reruns
4. The sun, generally
5. Whatever a “jawn” is
6. Brothers
7. Love
8. Crooked Os
9. Gerrymandering
10. The color teal
11. Comcast
12. Rocky
13. Running up stairs while listening to “Eye of the Tiger”
14. Fillies
15. Orange cheese
16. Quaker oatmeal
17. Crimes against hitchhiking robots
18. Liberty
19. Bells
20. The Fresh Prince of Bel Air theme song
21. The inevitable Fresh Prince marathon playing on TV right now
22. Benjamin Franklin, but only later career Benjamin Franklin. Young Ben is fine.
23. Lightning
24. Kites
25. Keys
26. Inquiry
27. Independence

Do your job, Mass. We’re on to Minneapolis.