Let’s Ban All Philadelphia Things so the Patriots Win the Super Bowl
Rob Gronkowski is ashamed of your cheesesteak. Tom Brady doesn't want to hear about how much you love Rocky.
A local bakery has banned Philadelphia Cream Cheese. The Esplanade has banned bald eagles. And we are ready to ban just about everything else associated with our gridiron avian foes. The Patriots are just 11 days away from the Super Bowl, and it’s time to rid the Hub of anything related to Philadelphia—y’know, for the sake of competition.
We went ahead and came up with 27 things (one for each of Tom Brady’s playoff victories, of course) that Boston should get rid of before the big game. There’s no messing around when it comes to the Super Bowl.
- Mispronunciations of “water”
- Gas stations that sell sandwiches
- It’s Always Sunny reruns
- The sun, generally
- Whatever a “jawn” is
- Crooked Os
- The color teal
- Running up stairs while listening to “Eye of the Tiger”
- Orange cheese
- Quaker oatmeal
- Crimes against hitchhiking robots
- The Fresh Prince of Bel Air theme song
- The inevitable Fresh Prince marathon playing on TV right now
- Benjamin Franklin, but only later career Benjamin Franklin. Young Ben is fine.
Do your job, Mass. We’re on to Minneapolis.