Sports

Let’s Ban All Philadelphia Things so the Patriots Win the Super Bowl

Rob Gronkowski is ashamed of your cheesesteak. Tom Brady doesn't want to hear about how much you love Rocky. 


The Philadelphia skyline with a red X through it

Get rid of it. Just push it into the Atlantic. Photo via iStock/f11photo

A local bakery has banned Philadelphia Cream Cheese. The Esplanade has banned bald eagles. And we are ready to ban just about everything else associated with our gridiron avian foes. The Patriots are just 11 days away from the Super Bowl, and it’s time to rid the Hub of anything related to Philadelphia—y’know, for the sake of competition.

We went ahead and came up with 27 things (one for each of Tom Brady’s playoff victories, of course) that Boston should get rid of before the big game. There’s no messing around when it comes to the Super Bowl.

  1. Mispronunciations of “water”
  2. Gas stations that sell sandwiches
  3. It’s Always Sunny reruns
  4. The sun, generally
  5. Whatever a “jawn” is
  6. Brothers
  7. Love
  8. Crooked Os
  9. Gerrymandering
  10. The color teal
  11. Comcast
  12. Rocky
  13. Running up stairs while listening to “Eye of the Tiger”
  14. Fillies
  15. Orange cheese
  16. Quaker oatmeal
  17. Crimes against hitchhiking robots
  18. Liberty
  19. Bells
  20. The Fresh Prince of Bel Air theme song
  21. The inevitable Fresh Prince marathon playing on TV right now
  22. Benjamin Franklin, but only later career Benjamin Franklin. Young Ben is fine.
  23. Lightning
  24. Kites
  25. Keys
  26. Inquiry
  27. Independence

Do your job, Mass. We’re on to Minneapolis.