Behold! The Absolute Weirdest (Official) Red Sox Souvenirs You Didn’t Know You Need to Own

Photo by Jim Davis/The Boston Globe via Getty Images

If you’re reluctant to attend a Red Sox game this year because of the pandemic or simply unable to get in thanks to the planned 12% permitted attendance, fear not—you can still connect with our Boys of Summer by buying some of the more unusual souvenirs offered for sale on the team’s website. Yes, our guys did indeed finish dead last in their division in 2020, but that’s why they need to know we still love them.

Sure, you can buy a Sox baseball cap or a hoodie, but can you spell “booooring?” If you’re looking for a little more swagger, we have some ideas for you to ponder.

How about a bottle of park dirt—yes, you read that right, dirt—for $19.99? “This incredible Boston Red Sox bottle of authentic dirt from Fenway Park is a great gift for the sports fan in your life,” the website unabashedly proclaims. And you can rest assured that the dirt is legit. “The dirt inside the bottle is Major League Baseball authenticated,” the website boasts. Good to know that you’re not getting dirt from, say, the backyard of Red Sox owner John Henry’s Brookline manse or heaven forbid, Yankee Stadium.

For those of you with a penchant for autographs, there are plentiful options. But why get that generic “David Ortiz” when you can get something that’s a lot more meaningful? Opt instead for the one that comes with his legendary warning to those who would bring harm to us, “This is our F’N City,” for $399.99—just be prepared to pay $50 more than an Ortiz ball sans the profane inscription.

About ready to deep-six your pedestrian Timex? Well then, maybe now’s the time to move up to a Red Sox watch with a face made out of a piece of cowhide that came off a game-used 2013 World Series baseball, for $650. It even comes with an “Italian cognac leather strap with contrast stitching.” (I had no idea that cognac is a color—live and learn.) It does not, however, come with numerals, so you’ll have to estimate what “half-past a stitch” means.

Upcycling is a common theme among these items. Very little goes to waste at good ol’ Fenway Park, as evidenced by the offering of a Red Sox can opener made from an actual game-used broken bat for $165. Imagine! Someone swung at a heater with a piece of your can opener!

If you’re dressing for one of the splashier nights in your social calendar, you can get a pair of cufflinks that are embedded with—get this—a piece of a game-used Fenway Park seat for $190. “Getting ready for your next formal event?” the website asks. “Add this awesome pair of . . . cufflinks . . . to your look and keep your fandom going strong.” That’s right—legions of fans parked their butts on your cufflinks at one time.

And if cufflinks aren’t your speed, you can buy a pendant that also incorporates a piece of a Fenway Park seat for $123. The website offers this caveat, though: “Pendant may be weathered and multicolored due to layers of paint.” Picture how that would look accessorizing your Versace dress!

If you got bent out of shape when the Red Sox sent Mookie Betts packing as part of a blockbuster trade with the Dodgers, perhaps you would like to recall the good times by shelling out for a pair of Mookie’s game-used cleats, available now on the Sox website. But you’ll have to dig deep, way deep into your savings—these bad boys will run you $2,999.99.

Or how about some bling—a crystal baseball with a Red Sox “B” logo on it for $999.99? “Your Boston Red Sox spirit will shine bright when you put this crystal baseball on display in your fan cave,” the website says. “Adorned with over 1,000 authentic Swarovski crystals, this is the Boston Red Sox item you’ve been looking for.”

Not me! Here’s what I want that’s for sale on the Sox website: a Fenway Park seatback signed by 20 members of the 2013 Red Sox World Series team, including Big Papi (sorry, no cursing included on this one). The price: $2,249.99.

Memo to John Henry: John, might you consider doing a layaway on the seatback for this humble fan?