How to Survive a Boston Mosh Pit

Having solved all other problems, the city is looking to crack down on mosh pits — for the uninitiated, those are testosterone-driven maelstroms near a concert’s stage where aggro dudes act like aggro dudes do. But as you can read in today’s Herald, there’s going to be a little legal wrangling before anything actually happens. In the intervening time, I’d like to offer up a couple of new ways to frame the debate.

1. Stop calling it slam dancing. People slam danced to The Offspring and Green Day. Let the 90s have its term.
2. Move all mosh pits to the men’s room. No one will ever want to publicly discuss (let alone legislate) what happens between consenting men behind closed doors. Besides, there aren’t typically lots of women looking to elbow their way into the fray.
3. The city should definitely keep pushing this. We all know the best way to get rebellious punk teenagers to do something is to demand it in a firm voice and/or a lit sign.
4. Maybe metal bands should stop being so awesome. Just throwing that out there.
5. Intersperse sludge metal numbers with affirmations of personal worth. Why else do people feel the need to hurl themselves at each other and get bloodied? It’s because they don’t feel loved.
6. Never allow this spokesperson to speak again.

“Dancing is a First Amendment right, but the behavior itself is a violation, especially when it becomes dangerous and a public safety hazard,” Boston police spokeswoman Officer Nicole Grant said.

7. Hang on, I take back number 4. And I have to because of the following quote. I’m no metal head, but I’m pretty sure the music doesn’t rely on approval from authority figures and/or the mayor.

“This new anti-moshing policy proves once again that the city of Boston hates heavy music,” said Trevor Phipps, vocalist for Boston’s Unearth.

8. Can we pause for a second and imagine the mayor slam dancing moshing? I’m showing my age here.
9. Put moshers in a steel cage and surround them with video cameras. Let’s market this as Mixed Moshing Arts and sell it for billions. Who’s with me?
10. If you do get caught in a mosh pit, keep your feet moving. You really don’t want to fall down in one of those.

Seriously, though if Boston is for real about this — especially given that no injuries were reported after the House of Blues incident that sparked this whole thing — we’re about to turn into that backwards little town from Footloose. And then, of course, the young people will come up with a new way to bother the establishment. Sex moshing, folks, coming soon to an underground club near you.