America’s Next Top Republican Candidate

We didn’t catch last night’s CNN/YouTube Republican debate live. Instead, we chose to watch America’s Next Top Model, which we hoped would spark some good fights in the tension-filled go-see episode. It seems the better option for our cat-fight viewing pleasure would have been watching the Republican candidates duke it out.

Much like former governor Mitt Romney, we were wrong.

After a tense week for the Romney campaign, there were bound to be sparks between the governor and former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani, and they didn’t disappoint.

The former Massachusetts governor “has had by far the worst record” on stemming illegal immigration, Giuliani said. . . “At his own home, illegal immigrants were being employed. I would say he had a sanctuary mansion, not just a sanctuary city.”

That’s pretty nasty. But then Romney shot back with what has become his trademark borderline racist shtick.

He said he could not simply ask people “with funny accents” for their employment papers.

“Mayor, you know better than that,” Romney said forcefully, calling it offensive to suggest that a homeowner should demand to see evidence that contracted workers are in the country legally. “Is that what you’re suggesting?”

If that homeowner is contemplating a run for president on a strong anti-illegal immigration platform, yes, it seems like a good idea. As does avoiding categorizing immigrants as “people with funny accents.” It’s almost as offensive as some of the conversations the contestants on ANTM have had during their trip to China this season.

And to keep it on a superficial note, what was up with Romney’s amazing hair last night? In the online clips, it looks wet and darker than usual. Did he hastily apply some Just For Men before hitting the stage? It’s a messy look for a potential top model presidential candidate.

But the fighting wasn’t limited to the mayor and the governor. Our boy Ron Paul mixed it up with John McCain about bringing the troops home from Iraq.

McCain: . . . I just want to also say that Congressman Paul, I’ve heard him now in many debates talk about bringing our troops home, and about the war in Iraq and how it’s failed. And I want to tell you that that kind of isolationism, sir, is what caused World War II. We allowed. . . Hitler to come to power with that kind of attitude of isolationism and appeasement. . . . And I want to tell you something, sir. I just finished having Thanksgiving with the troops, and their message to you is — the message of these brave men and women who are serving over there is, “Let us win.”. . .

Paul: Absolutely. The real question you have to ask is why do I get the most money from active duty officers and military personnel?. . . He doesn’t even understand the difference between non- intervention and isolationism. I’m not an. . . isolationist. I want to trade with people, talk with people, travel. But I don’t want to send troops overseas using force to tell them how to live. We would object to it here and they’re going to object to us over there.

We’ve got no quippy parallel between Top Model and the candidates on this one. We’re pretty sure those girls think an isolationist is something that makes their hair shiny. But we did get a model-worthy quote from Mike Huckabee about how he can be pro-death penalty and anti-abortion in light of his religious beliefs.

Cooper: I do have to though press the question, which — the question was, from the viewer was? What would Jesus do? Would Jesus support the death penalty?

Huckabee: Jesus was too smart to ever run for public office, Anderson. That’s what Jesus would do.

Ain’t that the truth.

The night ended with a little ribbing about Giuliani’s baseball flip-flopping as well.

Chris Krul: Giuliani, can you explain why you being a lifelong Yankees fan, that this year, after the Yankees lost everything, you rooted for the Red Sox in the postseason? Can you explain that position for me?

Giuliani: . . . I’m an American League fan. I root for the American League team when they get into the World Series. I’ve done it for 50 years. I actually rooted for the Red Sox…

(Audience member booing)

Giuliani: Can’t help it. I’m an American League fan. I rooted for the White Sox, the Tigers, the Red Sox.

. . .But I do point out that when I was mayor of New York City, the Yankees won four world championships. (Applause)

And — wait, wait, wait.

I wanted to put this — I wanted to put this in our reel, but they cut it out, so I’m going to get it in — and since I’ve left being mayor of New York City, the Yankees have won none.

To paraphrase Tyra Banks, it doesn’t seem like Rudy really wants to support the Yankees. We love the American League, but if our choices are the Yankees or the National League, we’re voting for the little leaguers every time. We can only assume true Yankees fans would feel the same.

For those who are like us and watched something else, you can catch up on what you missed last night on YouTube. There are eight kinda fugly old men before us, and only one can become America’s Next Top Republican Nominee.